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Post by Kit Fancyphobic on Jan 11, 2016 17:22:38 GMT
So uhhh i guess I'll just have at it then, i'd appreciate advice from anyone who's had similar stuff going on/wants to chime in. No preassure though obs
Um #sex mention #swearing
So essentially my FP and I have a really emotionally intimate relationship, and are really really tactile, and he's like my best friend and we're alterously (more than platonic not romantic) in love (we've discussed it, he's really good at communication so he knows everything I'm about to say because we talk about it). And recently he hooked up with a good friend of both of ours and i split really hard on her.
Thing is we're all supposed to be moving in together at the end of the summer, so I really need to talk to her and get everything sorted out.
Essentially, I made a list of things that were more symptoms or my fault (posessiveness over FP, not being able to control my Anger, stuff of that ilk), and a list of things that I was legitimately mad at her for (she lied to me about them hooking up, told me that she 'didn't want to lose me' then went and did the Big Thing that we'd discussed would push me away, lied and said she'd only wanted to talk to him about their feelings, repeatedly going after multiple of my best friends after knowing about past abandonment stuff with nearly the same script).
But I have no clue how to talk to her about this. I don't want to blame her for everything because tbh it's not my place to dictate who she can and cannot sleep with and who she can and cannot pursue. But at the same time her actions are mimicking the last Big thing that happened to me and it's hurting a lot and I am very very angry and don't want to speak to her. I want to fix this because she was very important to me, but I also have like...no practical coping mechanisims because A. undiagnosed, B. really fuckin stubborn (which I'm working on)
So, TL;DR
If anyone has advice on:
- Communication while splitting
- Controlling your anger/emotions
- Dealing with FP and fear of abandonment/replacement
- Being open to trying coping mechanisms
Lemme know?
Cheers
Kit
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Post by ananke on Jan 11, 2016 19:01:35 GMT
That's a tough predicament (I don't know how people feel about swearing so, I'll keep it non-sweary). It might be tired advice but talking through how this made you feel might be a good idea. You're right, you can't tell her what to do, but at least you can let her know how you feel about this. She knows about previous abandonment stuff, but does she know how that affects you? As for controlling emotions, I usually need a bit of time just to let them settle down, but I don't know what time constraints you're under.
Idk I don't really split on people I more just straight up distrust them, so feel free to take this all with a pinch of salt. I hope you're able to find a good solution. I'm also stubborn as heck. After an argument where I'm forced to consider I might not be right all the time (OCPD feels) I try to write it all out. Helps actually process things rather than just sitting there being angry and bitter the whole time (not saying you're in the wrong at all, just that I'm really bad at conflict and writing helps sometimes)
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Post by Kit Fancyphobic on Jan 11, 2016 19:08:44 GMT
That's a tough predicament (I don't know how people feel about swearing so, I'll keep it non-sweary). It might be tired advice but talking through how this made you feel might be a good idea. You're right, you can't tell her what to do, but at least you can let her know how you feel about this. She knows about previous abandonment stuff, but does she know how that affects you? As for controlling emotions, I usually need a bit of time just to let them settle down, but I don't know what time constraints you're under. Idk I don't really split on people I more just straight up distrust them, so feel free to take this all with a pinch of salt. I hope you're able to find a good solution. I'm also stubborn as heck. After an argument where I'm forced to consider I might not be right all the time (OCPD feels) I try to write it all out. Helps actually process things rather than just sitting there being angry and bitter the whole time (not saying you're in the wrong at all, just that I'm really bad at conflict and writing helps sometimes) We've had quite a few conversations about the last Big Abandoning, she actually came into my life right at the end of the whole predicament. I thought we were on the same page, because we had had a conversation before they hooked up, she wanted to run the idea of them dating by me before she made any moves because she 'didn't want to lose me' (theyre not going to date, my FP has bluntly told me as much). I've got to at least talk to her by the end of the week because she wants to hang out, and I don't know, my feelings fluxuate? And usually if I start thinking about it again I start with the Feelings again which is not optimal but I'm gonna have to deal with it. Yeah! I've found one of the few coping mechanisims that /kinda/ works for me is journalling. Hand writing stuff out is really cathardic for me and helps me organize my thoughts. I've written a bit about this in my journal so far, and it helped me narrow down what actions of hers exactly were making me upset, and which ones were valid to be upset about (ig her interactions with my FP are none of my business, but her lying to me is). I didn't think you were saying I was in the wrong, but thank you for that clarification. I'm terrible, I either wanna like, destroy everything or hide from it forever haha. Thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it |
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Post by ananke on Jan 11, 2016 19:16:17 GMT
I was actually just adding to my original reply when you wrote that, so I'll paste a link I found on SBD that might be useful shitborderlinesdo.tumblr.com/post/110834360209/do-u-know-how-to-calm-down-or-stop-being-angry-at(sorry, can't be bothered to tidy the link up, but it has pretty solid advice) The Feelings (TM) are not optimal, and usually tend to make everything seem worse. Is there ever a point where you feel calmer or more able to talk about it? Sometimes (usually when I'm anxious as hell) I wait for these windows of reasonable emotions and try to do whatever I need to do within that time. Sorry she doesn't seem to be respecting your feelings on this though. Maybe she just needs reminding before it sinks in. Yes, I'm also very good at fighting/flighting from everything :/ |
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Post by Kit Fancyphobic on Jan 11, 2016 20:31:23 GMT
I love The Feelings (TM) as the official title for them tbh. Yeah I wanna wait til I'm calm but rn she's kinda a trigger? Idk maybe I can go with someone or have someone drop me off so I dont feel like i'm facing it alone. Eh, she's got her own stuff going on so I can respect that but at the same time if we're all gonna be living in a collective together we've gotta work this out.
Fight or flight is my life. Bloody constant. And it's ridiculous too, if i'm bored and apathetic I'll just be like "let's just piss someone off. yeah lets do that. that'll be fun"
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Post by ananke on Jan 11, 2016 20:55:05 GMT
Oh yes, The Feelings (TM) are unavailable at the moment, please try again later. I think having a calming presence might be a good plan, if nothing else you can go back to them and vent. Yeah, it's good that you're actually willing to work through this rather than just avoid the eff out of it.
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Post by Kit Fancyphobic on Jan 11, 2016 21:34:02 GMT
Yeah, we shall see. Ugh my anxiety acts up on this stuff tbh. Part of me just wants to avoid the eff out of it forever. Im also worried that I'll devalue her to the point where i dont want to salvage the friendship at all (I can see it starting and I'm trying to stop it). And then the implications in the friend group, which would probably result in the friendship kicking me out (which happened last time very terribly). Of course I'm also worried about how my FP actually feels, because even though logically i know he's told me how he feels, I still feel like he's gonna start to harour a huge hate for me for being like I am. Sorry my thoughts are very -grabs at words-  Right now |
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Right now