Charlie
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Charlie [they/she/he]
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Post by Charlie on Jan 14, 2016 13:20:50 GMT
Who knows! I don't.
Anyway uh, I've asked this on some of the tumblr blogs about dissociation, but I thought I'd ask it here, too.
TW: Suicide mention, dissociation
I don't really know how to word this, so it might ramble, but I'll break it up so it's legible.
Recently, I've been having this kind of... feeling, where I feel like my body isn't actually a part of me and it's just holding my mind and what I actually am. So I guess in the easiest way to explain it you could think of it as like, completely denying my body and mind are related, and that I'm not supposed to exist as a person.
It gets really intense, too. Like sometimes I consider killing my "body", due to the fact I don't see it as myself? When I'm talking, I make a clear distinction between things that affect me, and things that affect my body, despite logic telling me that they aren't separate entities and that my body is actually me.
I think people believe in the concept of "souls" or something, how the essence that makes you a person and your body are different? And I've never believed this, I still don't, but it's the closest thing I can get to explaining how I feel... but even then, people don't have such a huge disconnect that they literally think their body is not them, and that they need to kill their body (and that they won't die in the process?)
I tried looking it up, and I got some stuff about how it's depersonalisation but it didn't mention anything about the whole "killing your body because it's not actually you, it's just trapping you and when it dies you'll be able to live freely" kind of thing.
Then I also got some stuff about Cotard's delusion but... I don't think it's that either?
I just want to know if this counts as delusional thinking OR severe depersonalization, or both.
I also feel the need to mention that although I seem really insightful here, it's because it's not currently happening and I can distance myself from it, but when it is I literally can't convince myself otherwise, despite having logical arguments that it's not the case.
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Post by softlyspoken on Jan 14, 2016 14:24:38 GMT
TW: mentions of dissociation and brief mention of abuse
Hey buddy! I have sensory processing issues so I apologise if I read any of this wrong but I think I understand. I have something similar but it manifests in one of my facets (median system). Angel finds her body particularly stressful and rarely switches in because she feels extremely dysphoric just having a body. This body has been abused and we all suffer from dissociation so I believe that all manifests in Angel's dysphoria, which is a much greater degree than say my gender dysphoria/dissociative dysphoria. But we understand you're feelings. In our experience it's mainly an awfullly jarring dissociative experience, although she has similar thoughts to you (I'll be free if I kill the body) so that would be a delusion. I know us bpd folk like labels but in this instance it's a bit blurry.
Also, with all due respect, the concept of "insight" is neurotypical garbage. I personally have lots of "insight" but it generally boils down to "I recognise that neurotypicals would find this thing weird/ not believe me" NOT "This thing probably isn't true". Insight doesn't make your experience any less valid and in fact it can be even more stressful because of the conflicting thoughts in your head. Whatever you are experiencing is real to you and therefore it is real.
I don't expect you to answer such a personal question, but have you been abused? Not just physically, but emotionally? My mother repeatedly denied my privacy as a child to the extreme, would pick on my image, criticise my appearance, etc. and I was bullied for my looks at school, which created a lot of the dissociative feelings I have to my body. Also, being a woman or a woman-aligned person can make you feel quite separate from your body as it is so politicised and public property and not a private, self-owned thing. Most women/wap experience a degree of dissociation due to socialisation.
I hope you feel better soon or that you discover why you are feeling like this xx
Amelia
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Charlie
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Charlie [they/she/he]
Posts: 56
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Post by Charlie on Jan 14, 2016 16:47:52 GMT
TW: mentions of dissociation and brief mention of abuse Hey buddy! I have sensory processing issues so I apologise if I read any of this wrong but I think I understand. I have something similar but it manifests in one of my facets (median system). Angel finds her body particularly stressful and rarely switches in because she feels extremely dysphoric just having a body. This body has been abused and we all suffer from dissociation so I believe that all manifests in Angel's dysphoria, which is a much greater degree than say my gender dysphoria/dissociative dysphoria. But we understand you're feelings. In our experience it's mainly an awfullly jarring dissociative experience, although she has similar thoughts to you (I'll be free if I kill the body) so that would be a delusion. I know us bpd folk like labels but in this instance it's a bit blurry. Also, with all due respect, the concept of "insight" is neurotypical garbage. I personally have lots of "insight" but it generally boils down to "I recognise that neurotypicals would find this thing weird/ not believe me" NOT "This thing probably isn't true". Insight doesn't make your experience any less valid and in fact it can be even more stressful because of the conflicting thoughts in your head. Whatever you are experiencing is real to you and therefore it is real. I don't expect you to answer such a personal question, but have you been abused? Not just physically, but emotionally? My mother repeatedly denied my privacy as a child to the extreme, would pick on my image, criticise my appearance, etc. and I was bullied for my looks at school, which created a lot of the dissociative feelings I have to my body. Also, being a woman or a woman-aligned person can make you feel quite separate from your body as it is so politicised and public property and not a private, self-owned thing. Most women/wap experience a degree of dissociation due to socialisation. I hope you feel better soon or that you discover why you are feeling like this xx Amelia I definitely agree with you on the concept of insight, it's just that to me it's important to differentiate as I have OCD which can sometimes cause intrusive thoughts that sound like a delusion, but I don't actually believe them? To me insight varies between "I don't believe this even though I am having this thought" and "I believe this but recognize it probably sounds Strange" if that makes sense? Anyway aha! As for your question. TW: Abuse / Alcohol / Domestic Violence / General family talk Personally, I wasn't abused till I was older so that couldn't cause dissociation afaik. However I did grow up in a dangerous environment, in which my father physically and sexually abused my mother, and repeatedly manipulated her. Other things happened that meant my mother couldn't spend a lot of time with me - my grandmother became very unwell with a psychotic disorder and she had to take care of her, and her sister had severe epilepsy. Meanwhile, I was bullied relentlessly at school by both the students and teachers, and I didn't understand anything due to my autism, which wasn't diagnosed till I was seven. All of it was so chaotic and my mother didn't really have the time to be emotionally there for me, so my therapist kind of suggested that as a result I never "integrated" my self states as most children do as they get older, which is why I'm so fight-or-flight-y and hyperaroused, but we never talked specifically about dissociation and she never mentioned it. It's probably worth saying I think I may have a dissociative disorder, probably DDNOS/OSDD-1 BUT I'm also constantly in denial that my trauma was "bad enough" as dissociative disorders on that end of the scale tend to be caused by extreme, repeated trauma. I can't remember if my safety was ever actually threatened, so I don't know? It may well have been, or not. |
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Post by Mea on Jan 15, 2016 7:27:08 GMT
Typically, professionals will regard it as a form of psychosis rather than dissociation if it results in self-harm or puts you in danger. So while what you're describing is similar to depersonalization, a professional may look at it as a delusion, simply because you may be at risk of harming yourself.
(But if you want my personal opinion, severe dissociation is a form of psychosis or at least on the same damned spectrum, but maybe that's just me.)
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Charlie
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Charlie [they/she/he]
Posts: 56
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Post by Charlie on Jan 18, 2016 19:45:20 GMT
Typically, professionals will regard it as a form of psychosis rather than dissociation if it results in self-harm or puts you in danger. So while what you're describing is similar to depersonalization, a professional may look at it as a delusion, simply because you may be at risk of harming yourself. (But if you want my personal opinion, severe dissociation is a form of psychosis or at least on the same damned spectrum, but maybe that's just me.) Thank you for your insight! I'll ask my psychiatrist about it when I can, buuut I don't get to see her till February because the NHS hates mentally ill teens. But really, thanks again! (Also yeah I've definitely always thought that? Nice to see you share a similar opinion) |
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