Post by bpdghost on Apr 4, 2016 0:50:20 GMT
In a nutshell... I've apparently decided I hate one of mine and my FP's mutual friends (let's call them X) because they are very friendly with my FP.
This black split has been pretty much constant for about a month now, and occasionally alleviates a little, but then quickly slip-slides back to hatred again.
X talks to my FP more than they talk to me, and I keep getting paranoid that literally the only reason X wants to be my friend is because my FP and I come as a package deal. Me and my FP live together and are in a queerplatonic partnership (qpp); we are actually platonic soulmates, and we both feel just as strongly for each other. But X has been my FP's friend for a couple of years, and I'm sick and tired of them being around. I've even blacklisted them on tumblr, because I get irrationally angry and upset just seeing them on my dash.
I feel disgusting and I don't know what to do.
Mindfulness isn't helping, because I know that it's irrational, and I know that it's neuroses and not me hating them. But knowing that is doing nothing to stop it from happening, so how do I stop feeling like this?
It's not fair on X, who is basically lovely and doesn't deserve me giving them the cold shoulder (though considering I barely speak to anyone, X has no real way of knowing I'm ignoring them, and there's no way in hell I'd tell X about how I feel about them. They would just get depressed about it and wouldn't understand). And it's not fair on my FP either, because it's putting them in a very awkward situation. My FP also has BPD, so they understand completely where I'm coming from, but it's still upsetting to them to suggest things and for me to just brush everything off because I can't stop feeling like utter worthless garbage.
I split on X and then immediately split on myself for being hateful trash. I find myself being deliberately spiteful in passive-aggressive ways, like not acknowledging X's art or OCs because they haven't reblogged or liked any of my stuff in weeks (even though I keep reblogging stuff as soon as I see X posting on tumblr, and EVERY TIME, IMMEDIATELY, THEY VANISH AGAIN. My FP says it's coincidence, but because I can see no evidence to back that up, it just seems like X is being a deliberate dick to me for some reason), or reblogging stuff they've tagged with their ships, with ships that me and my FP have, hoping that it makes them upset.
Background info on that:
My FP and I roleplay all the time with scores of fictional characters we've created, that live and breathe in their own worlds. Naturally we ship the hell out of our OCs, and they tend to carry on doing their own thing completely independently, without our input. We just check in on them from time to time, and talk about them a lot. It's one of my favourite activities.
The problem arises when X is also involved in some of these worlds and ships their characters with my FP's OCs.
Now, none of X's ships takes anything away from the ones I have with my FP. X doesn't ship the same characters I do or anything, their ships are completely independent (and my FP tells me frequently that they prefer our ships anyway, which makes me happy), but I still get that festering black sludge of hate every time X talks about their ships or OCs now.
Every time my FP talks to X, I just sit here consumed with anger and jealousy. I cannot stand not being involved in conversations, even though I have no desire to talk to X.
I want X's attention, I want them to love me, I want to be the most important person in their life -- but at the same time I don't care about them. I don't want to be around them. I'm secretly hoping that this "friendship" fizzles out by itself, and they go away and never come back. I'm convinced it won't last anyway, because none of my relationships do, and I'm fine with that (even though I know for a fact I'll be upset about yet another person leaving me).
I just. Ugh.
I don't even know what to do.
It's screwing with my head big time, and triggering mood swings all. the. time.
Does anyone have any experiences similar to this? Or any advice? I'm desperate.
Thank you for your time.
This black split has been pretty much constant for about a month now, and occasionally alleviates a little, but then quickly slip-slides back to hatred again.
X talks to my FP more than they talk to me, and I keep getting paranoid that literally the only reason X wants to be my friend is because my FP and I come as a package deal. Me and my FP live together and are in a queerplatonic partnership (qpp); we are actually platonic soulmates, and we both feel just as strongly for each other. But X has been my FP's friend for a couple of years, and I'm sick and tired of them being around. I've even blacklisted them on tumblr, because I get irrationally angry and upset just seeing them on my dash.
I feel disgusting and I don't know what to do.
Mindfulness isn't helping, because I know that it's irrational, and I know that it's neuroses and not me hating them. But knowing that is doing nothing to stop it from happening, so how do I stop feeling like this?
It's not fair on X, who is basically lovely and doesn't deserve me giving them the cold shoulder (though considering I barely speak to anyone, X has no real way of knowing I'm ignoring them, and there's no way in hell I'd tell X about how I feel about them. They would just get depressed about it and wouldn't understand). And it's not fair on my FP either, because it's putting them in a very awkward situation. My FP also has BPD, so they understand completely where I'm coming from, but it's still upsetting to them to suggest things and for me to just brush everything off because I can't stop feeling like utter worthless garbage.
I split on X and then immediately split on myself for being hateful trash. I find myself being deliberately spiteful in passive-aggressive ways, like not acknowledging X's art or OCs because they haven't reblogged or liked any of my stuff in weeks (even though I keep reblogging stuff as soon as I see X posting on tumblr, and EVERY TIME, IMMEDIATELY, THEY VANISH AGAIN. My FP says it's coincidence, but because I can see no evidence to back that up, it just seems like X is being a deliberate dick to me for some reason), or reblogging stuff they've tagged with their ships, with ships that me and my FP have, hoping that it makes them upset.
Background info on that:
My FP and I roleplay all the time with scores of fictional characters we've created, that live and breathe in their own worlds. Naturally we ship the hell out of our OCs, and they tend to carry on doing their own thing completely independently, without our input. We just check in on them from time to time, and talk about them a lot. It's one of my favourite activities.
The problem arises when X is also involved in some of these worlds and ships their characters with my FP's OCs.
Now, none of X's ships takes anything away from the ones I have with my FP. X doesn't ship the same characters I do or anything, their ships are completely independent (and my FP tells me frequently that they prefer our ships anyway, which makes me happy), but I still get that festering black sludge of hate every time X talks about their ships or OCs now.
Every time my FP talks to X, I just sit here consumed with anger and jealousy. I cannot stand not being involved in conversations, even though I have no desire to talk to X.
I want X's attention, I want them to love me, I want to be the most important person in their life -- but at the same time I don't care about them. I don't want to be around them. I'm secretly hoping that this "friendship" fizzles out by itself, and they go away and never come back. I'm convinced it won't last anyway, because none of my relationships do, and I'm fine with that (even though I know for a fact I'll be upset about yet another person leaving me).
I just. Ugh.
I don't even know what to do.
It's screwing with my head big time, and triggering mood swings all. the. time.
Does anyone have any experiences similar to this? Or any advice? I'm desperate.
Thank you for your time.