Signs of Emotional Abuse

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Mea
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Genderfluid | She/Her

Posts: 366

Signs of Emotional Abuse Jan 7, 2016 5:00:06 GMT

Post by Mea on Jan 7, 2016 5:00:06 GMT

Anonymous asked: What's the criteria for a relationship to be considered emotionally abusive?

Answer: There’s not really a “criteria” as much as there is a list of red flags to look out for, and honestly if any ONE of those things is happening, it’s something that needs to be addressed.

What to Look Out For

They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people. This is excluding, of course, a relationship in which you both consent to picking on each other as a form of affection. My partner and I tease each other ruthlessly, but we have both consented to the teasing, and we both know it’s our way of expressing our love for each other.
They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs. Yes, this includes your needs as a mentally ill person.
They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself. See the first bullet point.
They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks. And no, your mental illness causing you to over-react to something is not an exception to this.
They try to control you and treat you like a child.
They correct or chastise you for your behavior. This does not include a victim trying to call out their abuser’s abusive behavior. I have run into cases where a victim tried pointing out their abuser’s harmful behavior, only to have this point turned around on them, with the abuser accusing them of treating them like a child and turning it around to make them feel like the abuser.
You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.
They try to control the finances and how you spend money.
They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong. Again, this doesn’t apply to victims who try to point out their abuser’s harmful behavior. Sometimes, an abuser will respond to having their behavior called out by saying, “You make me feel like I’m always in the wrong,” in an attempt to make themselves a victim.
They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
They respond to your activities and relationships with others with uncontrollable jealousy. This isn’t to say that jealousy itself is an abusive trait. Jealousy is a human emotion and something we all experience it. Those of us with dependent disorders especially experience jealousy. There is a difference between the partner who is jealous that you have friends and makes you feel like you shouldn’t hang out with them, and the jealous partner who feels replaced by friends. There is a difference between, “You should only love me!” and “Do you still love me?” There is a difference between the person who is using jealousy in order to control a person and a person who is jealous because they have a severe mental disorder which crushes their self-esteem and convinces them everyone is going to leave them.
They make threats of self-harm or suicide in order to make you stay with them. This isn’t to say that threats of self-harm or suicide are always abusive, because they aren’t! It’s the intent behind the threat which makes the difference. Abusive people may say something like, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself,” manipulating you into staying with them by putting their life in your hands. There is a difference between this and simply reaching out for help.
“Hot and cold” behavior. And when I say this, I do mean intentional “hot and cold” behavior and not mood swings caused by a mental illness, or splitting. I am specifically talking about abusers who switch between loving and hating with the intention of confusing and controlling you. For those of us who may be prone to split or withdraw, we should remember to communicate our withdrawals with partners, and make sure they understand why we need time to ourselves. It hurts! And if your partner says they need to withdraw for a while because they have a mental illness, believe them. An abuser who withdraws will likely not communicate with you, and if they do, they will use some guilt-trippy reason, or they will blame you for the withdrawal. Such as, “Well, you’re not making me happy lately, so I need some time away.”
They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true. People with paranoia who are responding to that paranoia are excluded from this. An abuser who makes accusations does it to control you and manipulate you. Meanwhile, someone with BPD who truly believes a partner no longer loves them and makes that accusation is not trying to start a fight. There is a difference between a mentally ill person trying to calm their paranoia and an abuser who is just looking for conflict and hoping to upset you.
They make excuses for their behavior and try to blame others for it, especially you.
They refuse to communicate with you, especially regarding their own behavior.
They repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.
They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time. Again, intentional emotional distance, usually done with the intent of making you crave their attention. People with social anxiety and avoidant traits exist, and their distance is not done with ill intent.
They resort to neglect or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.
They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
They don’t care about your feelings.
They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
They use sex as a way to manipulate and control. They may make you “earn” your right to affect. Not just sex, but any kind of affection or even an activity you enjoy. (Note: Everyone has the right to decline sex, but some abusers may withhold sex as a means of control.)
They force or guilt-trip you into performing sexual acts.
They share personal information about you with others without your consent.
They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

I think I covered all the bases here and did a good job of making sure abusers can’t turn this list around on victims. I know when I was growing up with my father, if I told him he was hurting me with his abusive behavior, he would accuse me of abusing him because I made him feel bad about himself and crushed his self-esteem. So whenever I see information about emotional abuse that just says “This person makes you feel bad about yourself,” I get really annoyed.

I also want to make it clear that mentally ill people can be abusers. I do not want anyone to get the idea that I think mentally ill people can’t be abusive, because we can. I am just also recognizing that neurodivergent people are at an increased risk of being abused than neurotypical people are, because some of these points can be used against them in their struggles with their neurodivergence.

I hope this list helps!

-Mea

Last Edit: Jan 7, 2016 5:03:08 GMT by Mea

Mea
Administrator

Genderfluid | She/Her

Posts: 366

Signs of Emotional Abuse Jan 7, 2016 5:05:55 GMT

Post by Mea on Jan 7, 2016 5:05:55 GMT

Warning Signs of Abuse and When It Isn't Abuse

I see a lot of lists about emotional abuse and what signs to look for, and they are incredibly helpful. However, I figured a post going a little more in-depth would be helpful. A post providing examples and also pointing out when a behavior isn’t necessarily abusive. I find that some of these lists tend to throw mentally ill people under the bus, such as lists depicting neediness as a form of emotional manipulation. There is a difference between someone expression and manipulation. There is also a difference between an unhealthy relationship and an abusive one.

1. Jealousy

Jealousy can definitely be a red flag for any kind of relationship, depending on how it’s expressed. Jealousy is human nature, after all, but it can often be unhealthy and sometimes even abusive. How people express their jealousy can be very telling of the kind of person they are. Sometimes, it is a passing feeling. Sometimes, it has deep roots of insecurity, perhaps caused by a mental illness and/or a past trauma. Sometimes, it is a gateway to controlling and manipulative behavior.

There is a difference between the partner who is jealous that you have friends and makes you feel like you shouldn’t hang out with them, and the jealous partner who feels replaced by friends. For example, if a partner is making you feel excluded or isolated (another form of emotional abuse which you will see come up later), and you respond by being jealous of the people they don’t exclude, that is not abusive jealousy. But if you were to be jealous and demand your partner isolate themselves from other people to spend time with you instead, that would be abusive jealousy.

There is a difference between, “You should only love me!” and “Do you still love me?” There is a difference between the person who is using jealousy in order to control a person and a person who is jealous because they have a severe mental disorder which crushes their self-esteem and convinces them everyone is going to leave them.

2. Threats of self-harm and/or suicide

I also read a lot of posts mentioning that self-harm or suicide threats are abusive, which is clean-cut ableism if you ask me. Do abusers sometimes threaten suicide in order to control people? Absolutely. My logic is that every suicide threat should be taken seriously, and self-harm should always be taken seriously. But there is a difference between an abuser who says things like, “If you don’t do as I say, I’ll kill myself” and someone is actually suicidal and tells friends, “Hey, I feel like killing myself and I need help.” There is a difference between the person who is blatantly trying to control people and the person who is simply crying out for help.

If someone in your life is threatening suicide or self-harm, they may be making these threats because they are crying out for help. Their intentions are not always malicious ones. Telling whether or not these threats are abusive can depend entirely on the wording and the history you have with this person.

3. Humiliating or embarrassing you

If they’re doing it intentionally, this is absolutely abusive behavior. However, I have also seen ableist comments from neurotypical people stating, for example, that autistic loved ones often humiliate or embarrass them. People with developmental disorders or mental disorders may sometimes do and say things others may not consider ordinary. Someone with PTSD may dissociate in public and end up being snappy with a server in a restaurant while out with friends, and the friends may be embarrassed. This is not an abusive behavior on their part.

The person who snapped absolutely should take responsibility for their actions, of course. Apologize to the server, and their friends. Ultimately, there were probably no ill intentions.

When humiliation is abusive, the person is doing it with every intent of embarrassing you and making you feel bad. This person may act out in front of your friends or family and do something to make you look bad. They may share intimate details about you with the intent of making you feel ashamed.

4. Constant put-downs and teasing.

Unless you have established a relationship with this person where the put-downs are done in a joking manner, and both parties are aware the insults aren’t serious, this is absolutely abusive. I listen to a few of my friends call each other awful names sometimes, but I know they do it out of affection, and both of them are aware it’s affection. No one’s feelings are hurt.

If you think someone is simply teasing you out of affection, but it’s hurting your feelings, you should feel comfortable enough to bring it up with them. Also, you shouldn’t put someone down and tease them unless you’re sure they’re okay with it! Some people do like like this form of expression, and some people prefer it. Communicate.

5. Extreme moodiness

Considering that some mental illnesses are characterized by mood swings, I find this sign one of the most ableist.

This isn’t to say it can’t be a sign of an abusive person, because it can be. However, there is a difference between mood swings which are forced in order to manipulate you, and mood swings which are a symptom of a mental disorder.

An abuser will switch moods for the sole purpose of confusing you. Often, they will even pretend their previous mood never happened. They’ll go from angry to perfectly content, acting as if they were never angry to begin with. This is done intentionally to confuse you, and also to silence you. If they are no longer angry, you can no longer react to their anger. They do it to keep you guessing, and they do it to keep you from calling them out. For someone who is mentally ill, they tend to internalize a lot of their mood swings anyway. And if they go from angry to content, they may actually acknowledge their own angry and feel guilty about it. Which may actually lead to another mood swing of extreme guilt or sadness because they feel so awful about being angry!

As people with mood disorders, it is absolutely our responsibility to apologize for our anger and any harmful things we say during those episodes, but rapidly changing moods does not automatically mean that person is being abusive. These moods cannot be helped, although that person is still accountable for their words and actions while they are in a bad mood.

6. Withdrawal of affection

This is absolutely abusive behavior most of the time, and abusers will often do this in order to control you and keep you guessing. They will deny you affection, refusing to spend time with you and refusing to do things you enjoy. This will then make you go to extreme lengths to earn back their affection. It’s a controlling tactic on their part.

However, a lot of people with mental illnesses may withdraw themselves from a relationship, not because they are testing you, but simply because they are dealing with problems and do better to deal alone. Some people with personality disorders may withdraw because they are afraid you hate them, or they are avoiding you getting to know them too well because being close to people gives them anxiety. The withdrawal definitely hurts you, no matter what, but sometimes the intentions are not to control you. There is a difference between someone who withdraws their affection because they want to see what you will do about it and someone who withdraws their affection because they are afraid of abandonment or has some other mental issue going on.

For those of us who may be prone to do this, we should remember to communicate our withdrawals with partners, and make sure they understand why we need time to ourselves. It hurts! And if your partner says they need to withdraw for a while because they have a mental illness, believe them. An abuser who withdraws will likely not communicate with you, and if they do, they will use some guilt-trippy reason, or they will blame you for the withdrawal. Such as, “Well, you’re not making me happy lately, so I need some time away.”

-

Other signs of emotional abuse include:

Hypercriticism.
Refusing to communicate.
Ignoring or excluding you.
Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
Saying “I love you but…”
Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
Domination and control.
Guilt trips.
Making everything your fault.
Isolating you from friends and family.
Using money to control.

These are a bit more straightforward, and have less grey area than the ones I mentioned earlier.

Edit: Statements like If you don’t ____, I will ____” don’t really apply if it’s being used in a situation in which you are already being abused. For example, “If you don’t stop abusing me, I’m going to call the police.” An abusive example would be, “If you don’t do as I ask, I’m going to have you institutionalized.” or “If you don’t say you love me, I’m going to hurt myself.”

-Mea