Post by Mea on Jan 7, 2016 5:24:17 GMT
This is going to be a long piece on my own personal feelings as someone seeking to get better and as a survivor, so be prepared! Content warnings for mentions of abuse (emotional, mental, and sexual).
People want to change the terms quiet and loud borderline to other words that still give off the same good/bad connotation, without realizing that its more complex than people misusing terminology. The (easily misused and misunderstood)terminology of bpd and stigma of bpd are not mutually exclusive, they work in tandem. Part of the reason there is stigma is because of stigmatized & negative terminology when people talk about bpd. The reason so much of our terminology is stigmatized and negative is because they were created with those views in mind, much like the waif, witch, queen, and hermit - all of which are toxic and mostly sexist.
I fell into the quiet borderline type behaviour when I got diagnosed, I continue to fall into it at times, other times, I don’t. I never heard these terms or had them used against me until I stopped internalizing things and started actively pursuing autonomy, actively stating my boundaries, actively validating myself (all the things they want you to do to recover). To do these things, I had to express myself vocally, externally, outwards, I had to reach out.
Then and only then did I learn the terms and have “loud” borderline used against me. It’s important to realize that no two bpd sufferers will act the same, much like any other human being, but I don’t see why having two polar opposite terms that create an unhealthy dichotomy of good vs bad is necessary or progressive. It’s important to be able to understand that there is not one way to be borderline, that internal things are just as necessary and important as external things in regard to meeting criteria and reaching a diagnosis. Still, this system categorizes complex individuals into black and white groups, many of whom express traits and behaviours from both sides. It continually invalidates our actions and reactions as pathological, as something that needs to be grouped up and labelled for proof, instead of existing as valid emotions.
No matter how much we’d like to have terms to express the different ways our behaviour exhibits itself, time and time again, people are considered a “quiet” or “good” borderline until they are not(speaking up, establishing boundaries, validating their autonomy and emotions). Then they are being “loud” or “bad”. These terms are completely relative and up for judgement to the individual witnessing them.
They’re not regulated, they’re up to interpretation and personal(often abusive) bias, and it leaves no room for recovery. Recovery includes ceasing to internalize all your grief and symptoms, while learning to express yourself proactively and in a healthy manner. I will never stop being borderline but if I do recover (I have complicated feelings about that term as well) what will I be? Quiet because I will deal with some issues on my own? Or loud because I’m expressing myself externally?
I am incapable of existing in either side of a dichotomy, especially one defined by personal bias. I am a complex individual, a person seeking to get better, this holds no place for me.
Beyond this, much of my “loud” behaviour is intrinsically tied to me reclaiming my autonomy, my power, my respect, and my anger after being emotionally, mentally, and sexually abused. Almost all of my “rages” or “acting out” is me finally allowing myself to be mad about what he did to me instead of blaming myself, not allowing that experience to happen to me or anyone else, and giving consequences to people I interact with with do the same sort of predatory, toxic, and abusive behaviour my abuser did.
All of these actions society already punishes me for because I should be complicit and forgiving of abuse. I get punished further by being the non-ideal borderline, I should be seen, but not heard, I should be a quiet mess and never demand more from others - never demand respect or justice, never hold people accountable and give consequence. I refuse to be pushed into that mindset anymore.
Nevertheless, I still exhibit quiet behaviours far more often, I self hate, I internalize almost everything because I believe so strongly that I am a monster, that I am poison, that I am unlovable - all of these beliefs were enforced by my abuser.
It’s harmful and victim blaming to attribute my anger about my abuse, my rightful cathartic healing anger, as “rages”. It de-legitimizes my feelings, my experiences, it claims my reaction is hysterical and over-the-top, unnecessary. My anger is not a symptomatic “rage”, my anger is real and valid. Attributing that to rages and loud behaviour is unhelpful and hurtful, it removes my autonomy from my own experiences.
Having myself be almost congratulated by being quiet and harming myself sends me into a whirlwind of victim blaming. I need to hurt myself more or else I’ll end up like my abuser, if I don’t hurt myself the only other option would be to hurt others, that I need to internalize all my pain or else no one will like me, I feel the need to destroy myself to meet the trivial criteria of the quiet borderline - to be loved.
I can’t see a way for the quiet vs loud borderline dichotomy to exist without leaving me out in the cold as an abuse survivor seeking recovery, as someone who is loud and angry because of injustice, but quiet and self hating because of trauma.
-Pandora
People want to change the terms quiet and loud borderline to other words that still give off the same good/bad connotation, without realizing that its more complex than people misusing terminology. The (easily misused and misunderstood)terminology of bpd and stigma of bpd are not mutually exclusive, they work in tandem. Part of the reason there is stigma is because of stigmatized & negative terminology when people talk about bpd. The reason so much of our terminology is stigmatized and negative is because they were created with those views in mind, much like the waif, witch, queen, and hermit - all of which are toxic and mostly sexist.
I fell into the quiet borderline type behaviour when I got diagnosed, I continue to fall into it at times, other times, I don’t. I never heard these terms or had them used against me until I stopped internalizing things and started actively pursuing autonomy, actively stating my boundaries, actively validating myself (all the things they want you to do to recover). To do these things, I had to express myself vocally, externally, outwards, I had to reach out.
Then and only then did I learn the terms and have “loud” borderline used against me. It’s important to realize that no two bpd sufferers will act the same, much like any other human being, but I don’t see why having two polar opposite terms that create an unhealthy dichotomy of good vs bad is necessary or progressive. It’s important to be able to understand that there is not one way to be borderline, that internal things are just as necessary and important as external things in regard to meeting criteria and reaching a diagnosis. Still, this system categorizes complex individuals into black and white groups, many of whom express traits and behaviours from both sides. It continually invalidates our actions and reactions as pathological, as something that needs to be grouped up and labelled for proof, instead of existing as valid emotions.
No matter how much we’d like to have terms to express the different ways our behaviour exhibits itself, time and time again, people are considered a “quiet” or “good” borderline until they are not(speaking up, establishing boundaries, validating their autonomy and emotions). Then they are being “loud” or “bad”. These terms are completely relative and up for judgement to the individual witnessing them.
They’re not regulated, they’re up to interpretation and personal(often abusive) bias, and it leaves no room for recovery. Recovery includes ceasing to internalize all your grief and symptoms, while learning to express yourself proactively and in a healthy manner. I will never stop being borderline but if I do recover (I have complicated feelings about that term as well) what will I be? Quiet because I will deal with some issues on my own? Or loud because I’m expressing myself externally?
I am incapable of existing in either side of a dichotomy, especially one defined by personal bias. I am a complex individual, a person seeking to get better, this holds no place for me.
Beyond this, much of my “loud” behaviour is intrinsically tied to me reclaiming my autonomy, my power, my respect, and my anger after being emotionally, mentally, and sexually abused. Almost all of my “rages” or “acting out” is me finally allowing myself to be mad about what he did to me instead of blaming myself, not allowing that experience to happen to me or anyone else, and giving consequences to people I interact with with do the same sort of predatory, toxic, and abusive behaviour my abuser did.
All of these actions society already punishes me for because I should be complicit and forgiving of abuse. I get punished further by being the non-ideal borderline, I should be seen, but not heard, I should be a quiet mess and never demand more from others - never demand respect or justice, never hold people accountable and give consequence. I refuse to be pushed into that mindset anymore.
Nevertheless, I still exhibit quiet behaviours far more often, I self hate, I internalize almost everything because I believe so strongly that I am a monster, that I am poison, that I am unlovable - all of these beliefs were enforced by my abuser.
It’s harmful and victim blaming to attribute my anger about my abuse, my rightful cathartic healing anger, as “rages”. It de-legitimizes my feelings, my experiences, it claims my reaction is hysterical and over-the-top, unnecessary. My anger is not a symptomatic “rage”, my anger is real and valid. Attributing that to rages and loud behaviour is unhelpful and hurtful, it removes my autonomy from my own experiences.
Having myself be almost congratulated by being quiet and harming myself sends me into a whirlwind of victim blaming. I need to hurt myself more or else I’ll end up like my abuser, if I don’t hurt myself the only other option would be to hurt others, that I need to internalize all my pain or else no one will like me, I feel the need to destroy myself to meet the trivial criteria of the quiet borderline - to be loved.
I can’t see a way for the quiet vs loud borderline dichotomy to exist without leaving me out in the cold as an abuse survivor seeking recovery, as someone who is loud and angry because of injustice, but quiet and self hating because of trauma.
-Pandora
