Post by Mea on Jan 7, 2016 9:00:34 GMT
Anonymous asked: How do I even begin to live myself? I don't know how to do that. I don't know where to begin. I've realized that I taught myself to hate myself at a very young age and now I look back on all those years and I'm not sure how to start. Sometimes I'll look up coping mechanisms and things but any time I try to put them into practice I just can't and I break down.
Answer: When self-hatred starts at a young age, I think a good approach is some good trauma therapy. In more recent forms of trauma therapy, therapists have found that the best way to help the victim talk about their traumas and validate themselves is to get them to retell the story in third person. Instead of, “This happened to me,” you try being a bystander, looking through a window, and telling what happened to the people you see inside. With this, you can try a very similar approach.
Think of yourself at the age you were when you first started hating yourself. Even better, think of a specific thing that happened that triggered these feelings. Maybe you made a bad grade in school, or maybe you got in trouble with a parent. See that child and picture that child as a totally separate person. Set up a chair for that child in your bedroom if you need to. Now listen to that child cry and say they hate themselves.
Now talk to them.
You’ll find yourself being more sympathetic, encouraging them and telling them their mistakes don’t make them a bad person. Keep trying this exercise. Maybe once a week, imagine that person as a little older until you are talking to a version of you who is the same age you are now.
And yes, talk out loud! Talking to yourself is not a bad thing. Talk out loud to that person, and listen to your own voice. It helps to actually hear your own words.
-Mea
I struggle with this myself, anon, and I’m not quite sure what to tell you, but I was writing out a response and Mea came up with a wonderful answer so I just have one little suggestion as well.
I can tell you that you don’t have to hate yourself. I can tell you, even without knowing you, that there are good things about you. I know this particular strategy might be the hardest of all for you to do without breaking down but try and push through it or keep coming back to it: write a list of all the good things about yourself. Even if it’s simply that you like the shade of your hair colour. Or that you have a cute smile. Or that you’re nice to animals. Just start with the basics. Don’t concern yourself with personality traits yet where you can get bogged down with wondering if you’re a “good person” which can result in more self-hatred. Just start small. What are things you’re good at. Write those down. Build up that list and read that list and get to know it really well until you can finally hate yourself just a little bit less and start to see some more good in yourself. Because I assure you it’s there. The good is there. And that’s how you begin to live with yourself: by learning not to actively hate yourself.
I know most people would say that in order to live with yourself you have to love yourself, but I don’t think that’s true. I don’t love myself but I manage to live with who I am (most of the time anyway). Self-hatred is a hard thing to overcome. Perhaps enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member if you have someone who would be willing to help you get started on that list. If you can’t believe yourself, find someone you can believe and listen to what they have to say about you. If you have no one who would do something like that for you, then I’m very sorry and you deserve to be surrounded by better people. In fact, surrounding yourself with good people can be another way to learn to live with yourself. Everyone needs some people around them who can help raise you up when you’re down.
But definitely try what Mea has suggested. It’s a strategy and form of therapy that has been shown to work really well.
-Pandora
Answer: When self-hatred starts at a young age, I think a good approach is some good trauma therapy. In more recent forms of trauma therapy, therapists have found that the best way to help the victim talk about their traumas and validate themselves is to get them to retell the story in third person. Instead of, “This happened to me,” you try being a bystander, looking through a window, and telling what happened to the people you see inside. With this, you can try a very similar approach.
Think of yourself at the age you were when you first started hating yourself. Even better, think of a specific thing that happened that triggered these feelings. Maybe you made a bad grade in school, or maybe you got in trouble with a parent. See that child and picture that child as a totally separate person. Set up a chair for that child in your bedroom if you need to. Now listen to that child cry and say they hate themselves.
Now talk to them.
You’ll find yourself being more sympathetic, encouraging them and telling them their mistakes don’t make them a bad person. Keep trying this exercise. Maybe once a week, imagine that person as a little older until you are talking to a version of you who is the same age you are now.
And yes, talk out loud! Talking to yourself is not a bad thing. Talk out loud to that person, and listen to your own voice. It helps to actually hear your own words.
-Mea
I struggle with this myself, anon, and I’m not quite sure what to tell you, but I was writing out a response and Mea came up with a wonderful answer so I just have one little suggestion as well.
I can tell you that you don’t have to hate yourself. I can tell you, even without knowing you, that there are good things about you. I know this particular strategy might be the hardest of all for you to do without breaking down but try and push through it or keep coming back to it: write a list of all the good things about yourself. Even if it’s simply that you like the shade of your hair colour. Or that you have a cute smile. Or that you’re nice to animals. Just start with the basics. Don’t concern yourself with personality traits yet where you can get bogged down with wondering if you’re a “good person” which can result in more self-hatred. Just start small. What are things you’re good at. Write those down. Build up that list and read that list and get to know it really well until you can finally hate yourself just a little bit less and start to see some more good in yourself. Because I assure you it’s there. The good is there. And that’s how you begin to live with yourself: by learning not to actively hate yourself.
I know most people would say that in order to live with yourself you have to love yourself, but I don’t think that’s true. I don’t love myself but I manage to live with who I am (most of the time anyway). Self-hatred is a hard thing to overcome. Perhaps enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member if you have someone who would be willing to help you get started on that list. If you can’t believe yourself, find someone you can believe and listen to what they have to say about you. If you have no one who would do something like that for you, then I’m very sorry and you deserve to be surrounded by better people. In fact, surrounding yourself with good people can be another way to learn to live with yourself. Everyone needs some people around them who can help raise you up when you’re down.
But definitely try what Mea has suggested. It’s a strategy and form of therapy that has been shown to work really well.
-Pandora
