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Post by ananke on Jan 11, 2016 23:07:04 GMT
Didn't really want to spam this board but tomorrow is my last therapy session for three weeks so here we are I guess. If this is too wordy or if it has too many issues in one thread please tell me. Genuinely don't want to be difficult. TW for abuse, stalking, sex talk (brief), suicidal ideation, doctors (also brief) *********** For the last 7 years I've been trying to figure out the root cause behind my mental illnesses, because I guess I just can't leave well enough alone. Since my personality disorders diagnosis in late 2014 everything has kind of blown up. More answers but also more questions. Since working with my newish therapist I've come to realise that: - I have way more problems with s*x and relationships than I thought possible (I've had one relationship in my life and it ended in me being stalked/emotionally abused)
- These problems didn't start with said abusive relationship, just worsened (the horrible sex repulsed/hypersexual shame circle)
- One of my parents has consistently emotionally abused me but particularly when I was under 16
- I am stuck because I am financially dependent on them for everything, including therapy which I really need (NHS have done eff all for me)
- I don't trust anyone and this isn't something that everyone experiences? People trust other people?
I just... have no idea what to do. I'm currently studying at home, but at this rate I won't graduate for at least another three years. I need to work, but due to OCPD and social anxiety work is almost impossible. I'll literally work myself into the ground doing things like volunteering to do someone else's shift on my day off (not for more money, because I feel bad for my boss), working ridiculous hours, having panic attacks for the slightest mistake or confrontation with a customer, and generally becoming so stressed I get suicidal or spiral into a depressive episode. I'm desperate to move out- due to realisations this environment is toxic as heck-but haven't got the money to do it. I'm also scared of what the first two realisations mean. I have no specific memories, just a lot of very strange coincidences (eg suddenly having a severe phobia + panic attacks aged 6, going to doctors about a rash and screaming when he tried to take my jeans off). Kinda scared to tell therapist about my suspicions bc I don't know if she'll validate them or try to be super cautious so as not to 'influence' my memories. Actual questions instead of meaningless rambling: Does anyone in the UK or anywhere really have any info/help regarding moving out (I'd ask RL friends but they don't really understand why EF problems make things like this complicated)? Any advice for trying to work whilst badly mentally ill? What can I do about approaching therapist with suspicions? Does anyone else have experience being cyber stalked and are willing to talk about it? |
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Post by Mea on Jan 12, 2016 1:44:24 GMT
I can't offer much in the way of advice since I don't live in the UK, but since you were worried about it, this post is totally fine for this board! Once I'm not multi-tasking, however, I can probably type up a thing as far as advice for approaching your therapist.
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Post by nova on Jan 12, 2016 7:56:42 GMT
I have some advice for working while mentally ill! But im from canada, so advice mileage may vary Look up labour laws of your area, specifically any relating to disabilities or mental health. In canada, we have labour laws specifically set up for accommodating the disabled, including people with mental illness. They can be pretty heavy reads, but I've found jotting down the important parts while your reading makes them a lot more understandable. Things to look for while reading the labour laws include: - What are you legally required to give to your boss in regards to you dx/disorder?
> Do you need a simple vague doctors note and nothing more?
> Do you need to be specific with human resources?
- What are the rules of accommodation?
> how early do you need to inform your employer of appointments
> how flexible is your employer legally required to be
> how flexible as an employee are you legally required to be
- Workplace environment/ workplace "morale"
> what responsibilites fall on you as an employee
> what responsibilities fall on your employer
> what counts as lowering/negatively affecting morale
There's a lot more to consider, especially depending on the laws, but in my experience these have been the hardest to navigate so you should learn as much as you can about them so you won't get blindsided. Rules may differ from part time to full time, so make sure you check that out.
Most places don't require you to give medical specifics to your boss since that can leave you open for discrimination. If possible, I'd avoid giving any specifics in any employer/employee situation, even if you trust them dearly, its better to be safe. They don't have a right to know just because they have authority over you for set hours during the week. If someone's pressuring you, you have the right to say you aren't legally required to reveal that info & you have the right to bring in labour laws/the labour board. It can be scary, but there's very little chance someone would pressure you for details in the first place.
In regards to accommodations, sometimes you need to provide some specifics so you can properly cope with work. I haven't told anyone at my workplace that I have a specifically BPD, but rather that I have a disorder & if certain resources aren't made available to me, that I can't function. These include thorough written instruction, set deadlines, daily updates, and for the people overseeing me to be aware that I can experience some bad confusion, so they need to be comfortable answering all my questions. The specifics I had to provide was my inability to quickly process longform text, how stress affects my information processing (I can't read or understand verbal instructions when overwhelmed), things like that. My workplace and I have negotiated accommodations that if I attended long term therapy, that I would need to make up the time that my appointments take during the evening or weekend. It's something I agreed upon, but making up the time isn't legally necessary. If you talk about this with your employer, I'd try to get it in writing, whether in an email or something you can both date&sign (it protects both of you).
Concerning morale and what it means, it can be a bit of a grey area. If you/your disorder/your accommodations affects your fellow employees & causes morale to drop, that can be a reason to let someone go. For example, if people feel unsafe, or if people feel like your accomodations are unfair, your employer can let you go. But!! They are supposed to make a serious attempt to educate your fellow employees. Whether thats a seminar on workplace sensitivity or providing a handbook on acceptable & unacceptable interactions at work, or any other attempt so both you and your fellow employees needs & concerns are met. Your boss should never reveal your personal info to another employee to make them feel better. Basically morale is the big one, but (at least in canada) it's primarily your boss' job to keep that in check.
Other general advice I have: Get to know human resources & build a relationship with them if you can. They are an asset, never let your boss get inbetween you and them. You shouldn't have to ask your boss to be able to contact them (In my experience). It's easier said than done but don't overwork yourself. Make a rule of only taking on one extra shift a week if you absolutely need to, and always get paid for your work. I don't know where you work, but your boss is running a business & should be prepared to pay for the appropriate amount of work needed to run said business. If it helps you feel better about this - you can help way more people by keeping yourself running smoothly. If you take on 5 extra shifts in a week, you'll burn out fast, probably less than a month, and only help out 5 times. If you take maaaaaybe one extra shift a week, you won't burn out and you can help way more people for way longer. You employer & coworkers Do prefer if you're going slow n steady instead of everything at once and quickly working yourself into the ground. I'm 100% serious, reliability over self-sacrificing.
Alsoalso - if stress and anxiety are your two biggest issues at work, take your breaks in full, drink lots of water (hydration is good for you & bathroom breaks give you a breather) aaaand talk to your therapist about how severe your nerves are when you're working. They may be able to provide you with individualised tips or even medication
Sorry this is so long, its tough to give answers wide enough for all jobs aha. I hope this helps? If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask
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Charlie
New Member
Charlie [they/she/he]
Posts: 56
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Post by Charlie on Jan 12, 2016 8:26:22 GMT
I typed up a response to this but then couldn't send it because parental controls are a thing on my laptop, which sucks.
Anyway my advice is pretty general, but here goes.
Where in the UK are you located? I live in Scotland and I have a few bits of knowledge I'd be willing to pass on - but I doubt you're Scottish and it's specific to that, so...
With this in mind - quite often there are programs specifically for people with mental illness to support them to live independently, you could ask your therapist about moving out and if something like that existed where you were. If they don't know off hand, they're in the best place to find out.
Otherwise you could contact your local mental health charity, I don't know what that'd be, but it's SAMH in Scotland and they can send you in the right direction, or at least give you an idea of what's available.
Working whilst mentally ill, I don't know. I can only think of the obvious ones, "try to get a job away from people" since you have social anxiety, something that isn't too stressful, etc. Quite often supermarkets employ people for night staff just to stack shelves and stuff, if you think you could do that, then look into it? This is another thing it'd be helpful to talk to a charity about, they often have support for getting people into employment, and can advocate for you in the event you need it.
And finally I'm a victim of multiple emotional abusers, and I was cyberstalked. I don't have much info to pass on or help and advice, but if you need someone to talk at that can understand, I'm definitely here.
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Post by Mea on Jan 12, 2016 8:37:25 GMT
Some other options for working while mentally ill could include self-employment, though it's understandably not an option for everyone. I'm a self-employed portrait and wedding photographer, and I also do nude and fashion modeling. I'm not with an agency or anything, so I get to pick my own hours for the most part. And with photography, about 80% of the work is done at home anyway. I have some disabled friends who also do art commissions, and a few more who do sex work. Those are just some examples.
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Post by ananke on Jan 12, 2016 8:52:51 GMT
cw alcohol mention No this helps a lot. I haven't heard anything about morale in the UK though, but I've mostly worked for tiny businesses that were pretty lax about this kind of thing (i.e. morale was drinking at the end of a busy day). I might have to say to myself no extra shifts at all because I'm definitely the kind of prat to say yes to anything, including working on my day off. If I try to make a habit of saying no maybe it'll help. Therapist would definitely want to help with anxiety, although she can't prescribe medication she does do some CBT with me. I might ask her to help me write up a list of reasonable accommodations I could ask for. Having a contract is definitely something worth getting, having not bothered to get one in the past. Thanks for all the advice though, I'll copy it and print it out if thats okay  It's nice to hear that I can actually ask for things to make life easier (this is my second year of studying, and I only just got round to signing up for student disability support). EDIT: it took me so long to write that that two other people replied in that time lol. @charlie, I'm a big city Southerner I'm afraid. I could actually probably ask the charity the NHS handed me over to when I asked for counselling, since they were very sweet and helpful. I'd love to get a job away from people, or at least within a small team of people (customers be damned urgh). I'm sure Mind or charities like that have a lot of advice I haven't tried utilising. Thank you for the offer, I'll keep that in mind @mea: thank you for the reassurance and yes, being self employed is something I'd like to look into once I've got a bit more experience and money (I'm a qualified caterer/chef so that's my professional background). At the moment, my best plan is to either try to get something that doesn't involve much human interaction (less anxiety) or failing that, work ad hoc for big catering companies (they pay better + reduce risk of burn out because I can choose what shifts to take). |
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sas
New Member
Posts: 32 
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Post by sas on Jan 12, 2016 14:59:18 GMT
With regard to moving out, my advice would be to try a find a room in a flat with other people. It seems counter-intuitive to having social anxiety but honestly if you find people you gel with, it's easier than you expect. Bring friends along for interviews so if you feel awkward/panicked, they can take the reins. (Plus, it's a whole lot cheaper)
I found that when I first moved out and lived alone, I isolated myself really badly and just made things a lot harder on myself.
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Post by Vay on Jan 13, 2016 12:57:53 GMT
How would you describe your relationship with your therapist at the moment? I'm only asking as I can't really gauge how to approach her if I don't know how that relationship is. MIND is actually the charity I work for and they do Housing Support, in some places they also provide free counselling if that is something that might appeal to you. It does usually have a waiting list of 6 months though which might not be ideal for you but it's always possible for you to jump on the list now while you're still being financially supported for your therapy. I think exploring with your therapist ways of saying no to employers might be helpful. If you do get work then it wouldn't be helpful for you to be taking on overtime you can't handle emotionally. I also think with work it might help to gradually work your way into it. So starting with a weekend job, or something similar, where you only work two days (or whatever you're comfortable with now), doing that for a period of time and seeing if you feel comfortable to work more days. Building resilience and finding out your limits. Funnily enough I have social anxiety and work in customer service, lol, but it might be good for you to take a job that doesn't involve interaction with people first as Charlie said. I think you can certainly work yourself towards working with people if that's what you want to do but for the time being try and make it as easy on yourself as you can. I've been cyber stalked by my abusive brother. What is it you wanted to talk about in regards to it? I can tell you the reason my name is different on facebook is partly because of him and my fear of being found online. |
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Post by ananke on Jan 13, 2016 15:02:58 GMT
Good, we work well together anyway. Better than some of my other therapists. When she gets back in February I'll bring up the 'saying no' thing.
I had no idea MIND did that. It's actually really useful. I don't know if I could wait 6 months (or more, if I was to try the NHS again) but if it comes down to it I'd rather have therapy as an option than not. I'd really like something with less people but money is kind of a big factor as well. As long as I had supportive management things will be okay. I've tried being a manager before and it was not good. Starting off small and working up to more hours is probably a good idea though.
I don't really know, it's just something I rarely hear people talking about and it's so isolating (because it's not that well known). My name is also different on facebook. Maybe also what has helped people feel safe, because it's been a few years but it's still something I worry about constantly (including being on here, I never know what information to put out about myself).
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It's nice to hear that I can actually ask for things to make life easier (this is my second year of studying, and I only just got round to signing up for student disability support).
