What Are Some Examples of "Frantic Efforts to Avoid Abandonment"?
Anonymous asked: What would be examples of "frantic efforts to avoid abandonment" that are not manipulative?
Answer: frantic is relative to the feeling and the situation, but they can include:
- inviting your friends out every day - messaging them constantly - going to events with your friends that you dont really want to go to - trying to get involved in projects/teams your friends are a part of even though you have no interest in the project - telling your friends you’re worried they’ll leave you and asking them to reassure you - assuring and reassuring your friends how much they mean to you constantly - buying things for your friends - sacrificing your own things you really wanted to do for your friends things - taking your friend’s side in something regardless of how you really feel about it - doing out of the blue gestures you normally wouldn’t - plus countless more
I’ve generalized them into bare basics, but if someone is doing these all in an attempt to prevent someone from leaving them, that can count as frantic efforts to avoid abandonment. Again, “frantic” is relative to the situation, as many of these could just be someone putting a little extra effort into a relationship or even just someone’s normal friendship. None of these are inherently bad, malicious, manipulative, or abusive.
The biggest thing that I find myself doing is compulsively apologizing and taking on blame for things that aren’t my fault but I’d rather it be my fault and grovel and apologize for it then have them be hurt and then blame me and leave me. Even for the smallest things, I just feel the need to always apologize.
I dunno if that can be seen as manipulative or not, but it’s not meant to be manipulative since I genuinely feel blame for everything when it’s occurring and it’s only in hindsight that I can say to myself “I really didn’t need to apologize for that, that was silly.”
More Information on Fear of Abandonment and How It Actually Works
So, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I know my “borderline abandonment issues” are rarely ever accurately described in these articles about BPD.
Listen, being abandoned hurts. But it’s not so much the act of someone leaving me that hurts but the fact I am so afraid that the relationships I have are staged or that people secretly hate me, so it’s only a matter of time before they leave? Like!! Okay, I keep reading shit, for example, that’s like, “Borderlines fear abandonment and may manipulate others into staying in order to keep it from happening.”
Yeah, except the fact that is my actual fear? Except the fact that if I manipulated someone into staying with me, that would mean the relationship wasn't real, and that would mean that person doesn't actually love me, and that is what would trigger me and make me spiral into a dark place and make me suicidal!
I am more likely to leave someone than I am to force them to stay with me because of this reason exactly. Because it hurts too much to love someone and be afraid they don’t return the feelings, for me to feel like they’re faking it. And honestly these articles don’t help me at all because I wonder if my friends read them and are manipulated BY THESE ARTICLES into staying with me, and then in the end, I get blamed for their obligation to fake a relationship with me?
Delusion, in psychology, a rigid system of beliefs with which a person is preoccupied and to which the person firmly holds, despite a lack of logic or supporting evidence.
What that means for abandonment is that often times, your brain will latch onto the tiniest hint of someone potentially disliking you (not responding to a text right away, doesn’t laugh at a joke, isn’t a fan of a show you like, spending time with others, etcetcetc) and you believe that the dislike is 100% true and the action was 100% intentional to send the message of dislike. Even though there’s a lack of evidence to prove that, your brain will ignore all contrary experiences or points and focus on that tiny part.
It can manifest in thinking your friends hate you, that your family will kick you out, that your partner doesn’t love you or is cheating on you, that your boss will fire you, and countless more. The belief depends on the person and the situation, but the overall theme is you believing they’ll leave you for whatever reason, even though all evidence supports otherwise.