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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:12:12 GMT
This is a masterpost for family, friends, and partners of those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. You will find the following information on this thread:Page 1 - Tips for loved ones of people with BPD
- 7 Tips for when you know and love someone with BPD
- Being supportive of your BPD loved one
- How can I support a loved one with BPD?
- What are some tips for helping my partner when I’m also mentally ill?
- My loved one thinks I’m not trying, but I am?
- Why does my borderline loved one keep “making up problems”?
- Advice for addressing my loved one’s irrational fears?
- How do I help my loved one understand I’m not going to leave them?
- My loved one keeps ignoring/avoiding me?
- What are some misconceptions about BPD?
- What kind of stigma do they face, and what is the truth?
- More information about borderline stigma?
- What is it like to have BPD?
Page 2 - How can I help a suicidal loved one?
- How to help a friend with BPD
- How can I be there for my loved one and also take care of myself?
More Information about Borderline Personality DisorderRecommended Reading- Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder
- The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide
- Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder
- Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified
Recommended Links- DBT Skills and Related Info Masterpost
- What’s wrong with the book Stop Walking on Eggshells?
- What’s wrong with BPD Family?
- What does it mean to be “neurotypical”? “Neurodivergent”? “Allistic”?
- What is executive dysfunction?
(the rest of these will be linked once we have the posts on the forum)
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:14:50 GMT
Tips for Loved Ones of People With Borderline Personality Disorder
1. Recognize the truth in this statement: Feelings are not facts. Your BPD loved one likely has a range of intense emotions which compel him to say things that feel unkind, unfair and even cruel at times. Recognize your BPD loved one’s reality: he has a mental disorder. His extreme feelings are highly changeable, as you have seen over and over. They are so changeable because your loved one has BPD, and because they are feelings, not truths. Try your best to keep this in perspective no matter how emotionally volatile your BPD loved one may become.
2. Recognize your part in disputes. It is easy to point the finger at the one with the diagnosis, especially when that diagnosis revolves around interpersonal dysfunction, but it is important to recognize that demonizing a person with BPD is unhelpful and is likely adding to the creation of chaos in your relationship. Likewise, seeing your BPD loved one as a “victim” of an illness or disease is also unhelpful. No matter who we are, we must learn to be accountable for our behavior, and that includes people with BPD as well as those who have a relationship with them.
3. Have a self-check in place for the potential feelings of FOG – fear, obligation, and guilt – in response to your BPD loved one, and a plan for handling these ungrounded responses. Susan Forward, PhD, coined the acronym “FOG” for the emotions likely to arise in people who are repeatedly emotionally manipulated. These feelings are unhealthy and unproductive. Change your reality until you have no true cause to fear your loved one; recognize that because your BPD loved one is an adult, no matter her relationship to you, so you are in no way obligated to remain in her life; and understand that guilt serves no healthy purpose. It can be used as a form of subtle manipulation, but manipulation, from someone with BPD, is more a matter of desperation, not real forethought or planning. She is seeking desperately to ensure she will not be abandoned (even while doing things that push you away from her).
4. Recognize, always, the degree of reaction your BPD loved one is likely to have in response to perceived or imagined abandonment. Because this is the deepest fear of someone with BPD, be careful and wise with potentially abandoning or rejecting words or phrases. If you decide to warn your BPD loved one that you may no longer maintain contact with him for any reason, be certain that you: 1) absolutely mean it, 2) are not saying it out of anger or cruelty, 3) are prepared for the potential fallout. No amount of fallout should keep you from going no-contact if this is what you believe to be best for you, but always be aware of the extreme ways your BPD loved one is likely to react, and be prepared.
5. Encourage your BPD loved one to learn distress tolerance, mindfulness, and other ways of handling unwanted emotions by taking part in these therapies yourself. Treatments such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), or mentalization therapy are known to be effective for people with DBT, but they can be quite helpful for anyone who wishes to improve their states of mind and more deeply understand human interaction. Your willingness to participate may be an encouragement to your BPD loved one to seek and continue treatment, and it may be good for you as well.
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:16:02 GMT
Seven Tips for When You Know and Love Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
1) People with BPD are incredibly perceptive and can read most emotions, but one emotion they consistently misinterpret is anger. They tend to interpret neutrality as anger, so often they may assume you are angry when you are simply content or bored or some other neutral expression. If your borderline loved one asks if you are angry, try to be patient and remember they are hypersensitive to tone, body language, everything. When an emotion of yours can’t be pinpointed, they tend to assume it’s anger. “Are you mad at me?” may be something you hear incredibly often. Just answer the question and be patient. They don’t mean to sound like a broken record; they really do believe you’re mad at them!
2) When providing reassurance for a borderline loved one, be sure to use concrete examples. When they’re having an episode, saying, “You’re a good person” will feel like empty words to them. They may even assume you’re following a script. Even more likely, they will default to being afraid they’ve somehow manipulated you into saying nice things to them, so be sure to have examples to back up what you’re saying. Instead of “You’re a good person,” add on why you feel that way about them. “You were having a bad day last week, and you still dropped everything to support your friend when they needed you.” Instead of stopping at, “I really care about you and think you’re great,” be sure to add, “You’re an incredibly passionate person, and I find that inspiring. Yesterday, when you were working, you become really involved in the task and cared a lot about the end results, and the way you poured your passion into the task was really incredible.”
3) Express yourself often, and in a constructive way. If you aren’t upfront with your feelings, your borderline loved one may assume you hate them. Open communication is incredibly important. If you are upset with something they’ve done or said, be sure to bring it up in a constructive manner which helps both parties and encourages communication on both ends. (Actually, you should be doing this with non-borderline people too.) Compassion > hostility. It’s okay to be upset, but it’s no reason to lash out. Bring up your concerns as soon as possible and help build an environment where you can both talk about these things openly. A relationship where you feel you can’t talk about concerns isn’t a healthy one. That goes for all relationships, mental illness or no.
4) Also applies to all relationships, if your loved one is clearly distressed, sometimes it’s best to walk away and wait until everyone has calmed down. However, with a borderline loved one, it’s important to express what you are doing and why. Don’t just leave the room. Make it clear, “We’re both too emotional right now to deal with this. I suggest we take a break and come back to this in half an hour when we’re feeling calmer. Is that okay with you?”
5) Do not try “tough love.” It is grossly unhelpful and can actually trigger more severe symptoms and make them worse. “Tough love” is a surefire way to keep your loved one from recovering.
6) Because of how emotional they are, people with BPD can come across as self-centered. This usually isn’t true, and is in fact more often the opposite. People with BPD are constantly thinking of the needs of others, and often their emotional responses are because of anxiety they have about how they affect the people around them.
7) Do not invalidate the feelings of your borderline loved one. Recognize that even if these feelings are not fact, they are still valid and are hurting your loved one and are incredibly real to them. Do not tell them they are “crazy” or “delusional.” This will make them feel like they can’t open up to you. Instead, assure them their feelings are valid, and then work through those feelings. Instead of, “There’s no need for you to feel guilty,” try “I understand why you feel guilty, but remember you are not at fault for what happened.” Or let’s say your borderline loved one has accused you of being angry even though you are not, and they are upset. Instead of “You’re upset for no reason” try “You are rightfully upset, however I’m really not angry with you, so let’s try to help you feel better.”
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:21:24 GMT
Being Supportive of your Loved One with Borderline Personality DisorderFirst of all, what the heck is Borderline Personality Disorder? People with BPD experience such violent and frightening mood swings that they often fear for their sanity. They can be euphoric one moment and depressed the next. While the disorder affects nearly 20 million people in the US alone, each borderline patient displays different symptoms. Borderline is not to be confused with Bipolar Disorder, which is an affective disorder rather than a personality disorder. A brief overview of the common symptoms are: - Shaky sense of identity
- Sudden outbursts of anger
- Oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection
- Unstable relationships (romantically and otherwise)
- Intense feelings of emptiness
- Eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies
- A fear of abandonment and inability to be alone
What should you expect from your loved one with borderline? Well, honestly, I could make a list. Expect outbursts, some of which may not even make any sense to you. Expect anger. A lot of it. Expect their shaken sense of identity to get the better of them some days. They may even need you to remind them of the person they are because they truly have no idea. Expect them to react aggressively to you sometimes, almost as if they are pushing you away; and then expect them to come crawling back to you less than an hour later. Expect accusations. Expect suicide threats (and attempts). Expect skipped meals and sleepless nights and empty promises. Sounds tough, doesn’t it? Try being on the other end of the chaos. And that’s exactly what it is: chaos. Living with BPD is like constantly seeing a kaleidoscope and that’s your life and your feelings and your identity and everyone around you. Nothing makes sense, everything’s changing, and you don’t know what’s going to come next. What may seem like a good day for your borderline loved one is likely to go south in a matter of seconds, so you should always be prepared for the worst. - Respect their need for space. You will reach a point where your loved one seems to be pushing you away. Don’t walk away and leave them, but do respect their need for space. And let them know that. “I understand you need your space right now, but I’ll be over here if you need me.” Don’t leave the room. Just walk to the other side of the room and be there while also giving them their space. This way, they get what they want by pushing you away, but they also aren’t being abandoned.
- Once they have calmed down a little, they WILL feel like shit for being a dick to you. Even if they don’t tell you they don’t feel like they deserve you, I can assure you they’re probably thinking it. Take this time to remind them why they are a good person. “Do you remember that time I was sick at work and you brought me soup during my lunch break? That was so awesome.” Remind them of their talents, their intelligence. Use examples, because they will probably accuse you of just coming up with flattering words to make them feel better, so make sure you can back up your claims. “You’re so smart. Remember when you outwitted your professor?” “You’re such a great writer. Remember when you got published in that magazine?”
- Don’t tell them they’re over-reacting.
- Don’t tell them they’re over-reacting.
- DON’T TELL THEM THEY’RE OVER-REACTING.
- If your borderline loved one is thinking about self-harm (and I will include eating disorders and drug abuse in this), DO NOT TELL THEM IT’S STUPID. Don’t blatantly tell them not to do it either. Simply ask them questions. “Why do you want to hurt yourself?” “Do you think it will help?” “How will it help?” And don’t act like a little shit when you ask either. Genuinely ask them. Find out what’s going through their head. The solution to keeping them from self-harming will come naturally, because you’ll find the root of the problem and probably think of some way of convincing them they’re not complete shit.
[li]LISTEN. OH MY GOD JUST FUCKING LISTEN. - L I S T E N
- Even if they’re being melodramatic, seriously. Just fucking hear them out.
- Don’t make it about you.
- Pick up a book. Learn something. Whatever you think you already know about the disorder, you’re probably wrong.
Honestly, one of the most important things about dealing with this disorder, I’ve found, is communication. People suffering with borderline constantly feel alone, and communication in any form is good for them, but they are likely not to talk about their problems with you unless they are asked because they have likely convinced themselves you don’t actually care, because that is the mind of a borderline. So ask them questions. Talk about the disorder. Talk about treatment and therapy. ENCOURAGE. Don’t let their disorder be an excuse to misbehave, but don’t let them think it keeps them from being good people either. Just talk about it. And listen. Always listen, even if what you’re hearing doesn’t always make sense. And remember that it is a severe personality disorder, and something is, you know, physically wrong with their brain.
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:23:37 GMT
How Can I Support a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder?[Source]Being close to someone with BPD is never going to be easy. There will be times when you feel emotionally exhausted, so here as some strategies to help you and the person suffering. Do not constantly repeat yourself when a sufferer asks for reassurance. But also do provide some kind of way to help the sufferer to feel secure. For example, develop some simple ways that don’t take too much thinking of. Say something once; when the sufferer wants you to reassure them, you could simply say “remember what I said.” This way you are providing the safety they need but without having to repeat constantly what you said in the first place. It can be more stressful to keep repeating yourself, and if you change your wording then it could result in making the situation worse. If you want to say something of deep emotion to someone with BPD then think it through carefully. For example, if you want to say “I love you,” take the time to think whether you really mean it before saying it. You must be consistent with your feelings towards a BPD sufferer. Express your feelings in a constructive way. If you feel upset with the sufferer’s behaviour, then don’t be afraid to tell them. Remove yourself from the situation and then later tell them in a calm manner how you feel. Give them the chance to explain themselves as what they could be feeling may not be what you have perceived. Often people with BPD are completely misunderstood. If the sufferer is becoming very distressed then at times it may be better to leave the situation until they calm down. This isn't always the case, if what is stressing them is nothing you have done then it maybe worth talking with them and helping them over come the black and white thinking. Give yourself time to relax alone. It’s very important to have some time to reflect and to think of yourself, other friends or family. Communication is very important. Do not leave anything unsaid, as this can lead to misconceptions on the sufferer’s part. Set aside some time to spend with the sufferer to talk in-depth. Try to understand their feelings and remember they could feel misunderstood. Always be willing to compromise. This can make everyone around satisfied in some way but do not give in completely. If you don't want to do something, then don't but find a way to compromise in some way. If you give in to the sufferers demand then it could lead to unwanted situations and emotions, such as resentment on your part. But remember, if the sufferer is upset, they are not trying to manipulate you, it's just they are feeling hurt and they need to express that. Be consistent as much as possible. Do not change your general behaviour or attitude towards the sufferer unless it's in a positive way. It is easier said then done, and can at times be unavoidable. Most importantly, remember this person may have these emotional problems but they are still a warm human being. They have interests, hobbies, and their own personality. It's just they can be hurt much easier then most people. They can still love and be a good friend.
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:25:33 GMT
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:38:09 GMT
My Loved One Thinks I'm Not Trying, But I Am?
Anonymous asked: My boyfriend has bpd, and I love him very much. I love him to the world and back , I try very hard to understand his diagnosis I read a lot I ask questions I put a lot of effort in but he thinks I don't .. Could this be polarized thinking? Because I haven't accomplished understanding bpd that I don't know anything ? And I always live in fear of him pushing me away , is there anything to do to let go of this fear? Should I tell him or would not be helpful?
Answer: This is hard to answer because I don’t know either of you or the entire situation. I have no idea what he’s thinking or why he would feel this way, so all I can do is guess.
The only advice I can give here is to make sure you’re showing your work, so to speak. You’re reading up on the diagnosis and learning about it, but how much of what you’re learning are you applying? What changes have you made to accommodate him and support him? If you’ve done these things, the next time he says he feels you aren’t making an effort, bring up concrete examples of times you’ve made an effort. Not in an accusing way, but, “I do try. Remember when I went over the DBT worksheet with you?” Sometimes, when we’re upset, we forget all the good things! Remind us without making us feel foolish.
Also like… You can ask him what you’re doing to make him feel that way? Seriously, just ask. Ask him why he feels that way and if there’s something you’re doing (or not doing) that’s triggering these thoughts for him.
-Mea
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:40:08 GMT
Why Does My Borderline Loved One Keep "Making Up Problems"?
Anonymous asked: I had a best friend and love interest with BPD, we ended the relationship..but I want to know more about people with BPD in relationships. I didn't understand why she made up problems and hated me one minute and adored me the next. I would really like to know from someone with BPD, because I really do love her and wish to know more even though we are no longer in a relationship.
Answer: I don’t think people with BPD “make up problems” as much as they do see a single problem and their imagination expands off of that single problem until it turns into all of these fears which SEEM unfounded to the non-BPD but make perfect sense to someone with the disorder. Please don’t accuse someone with BPD of “making up problems.” It’s a silencing tactic, and even borderline breakdowns are triggered by something. We never do things for “no reason.” Are we melodramatic? Sure. But we don’t make up things to be upset about. We don’t pick fights. If we’re feeling upset, THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT.
The thing about borderline folks in relationships is we are constantly afraid you are lying to us. 1) We probably had to experience being lied to a lot before, probably a lot of it starting in childhood. 2) Professionals and published books everywhere make us out to be impossible to love. We read those books. We believe them. Then someone comes up and says they love us? Liars. 3) We live in an ableist society which is constantly abusing us and we never know if you’re a friend or a foe. 4) OUR BRAINS ARE CONSTANTLY FIGHTING AGAINST US. Constantly. All the time. I’m sitting here trying to eat a sandwich right now, and my brain is coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t do that. I’ve counted eleven reasons now. That’s my brain constantly. And if someone came up to me and said, “Just eat the damn sandwich, Mea,” I’d probably yell at them because I’d feel invalidated.
It’s hard to love someone and feel like they hate you, I know. BPD involves a lot of splitting (black and white thinking) and sometimes you may be in the Black. You’re the bad guy. And that hurts! Your pain is valid, and they’ll owe you an apology when it’s over. But I think it’s important for you to understand that whatever is happening, they are the ones with the mental illness and they are the ones who are dealing with it 24/7. Someone else’s borderline may hurt your feelings, but it abuses them on a constant basis. Empathize! Validate their feelings. Ask questions. Figure out what triggered the breakdown and do what you can to help. Remember that mentally ill people are victims, and while that doesn’t excuse them to victimize someone else, they are still victims and should be treated as such.
-Mea
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:42:13 GMT
Advice for Addressing My Loved One's Irrational Fears?
Anonymous asked: do you guys have any advice for addressing a friend with bpd/suspected bpd's irrational fears (ex: constantly thinking their significant other is cheating on them for tiny/nonsensical/extremely generalized reasons) without either invalidating them or reinforcing their belief in the irrational thing they fear?
Answer: I think there’s something in the FAQ about this actually? Maybe not worded exactly the you asked, which is why you may have missed it. There is a masterpost for loved ones of those with BPD, so you may want to look through the info posted there which may be helpful.
But the shorter version to your answer is honestly just to pay attention to the way you word things. I truly don’t think people with BPD require “special treatment” (I hate that phrase, but I can’t think of an alternative right now) in these cases because honestly whenever I answer questions like these I can’t help but think to myself, “Hm, actually, this also applies to neurotypical people. You should also treat neurotypical people this way.” Like validating people shouldn’t stop at mentally ill people, you should be respectful to everyone. :P
For example, instead of, “This is your BPD messing with you” or “This is silly” or “You’re being ridiculous,” there are far better ways to word these things while also addressing the problem. Try, “It’s completely understandable why you would feel this way. However, I’m not cheating on you.” Try listing concrete evidence that you’re a faithful partner. Those reasons can even be a bit silly! I haven’t been in the position myself in a while but I just know if I accused my partner of cheating he’d be silly about it and say, “Oh gee, the poor person I’m with when you’re not around, because all I do when you’re not around is text you and cry when you kick my ass at Words With Friends!” (Sarcasm may or may not be a good choice depending on your partner. Sarcasm is a good choice for me because I live and breathe sarcasm so it appeals to me and would make me laugh.) But yes, concrete examples. Also give examples of why you want to be with your partner and assure them they’re irreplaceable! Maybe, “I wouldn’t cheat on you. I love your sense of humor too much!” or “I’m not cheating on you. I enjoy spending time with you. Like when we play video games together, I have so much fun with you.”
You can defend yourself without invalidating the feeling, you know? Don’t make them feel like they’re foolish. You can also ask what triggered the feeling they’re having, see if there’s anything you can do to help that. So you can respond with a, “I know you’re feeling abandoned because I’ve been emotionally distant lately and that’s perfectly understandable, but I’m not leaving you or cheating on you.” or something similar.
Hope this helps. x
-Mea
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:43:36 GMT
How Do I Help My Loved One Understand I'm Not Going to Leave Them?
Anonymous asked: I don't have BPD but my two closest friends do. I'm always afraid they are going to think I'll leave them, and cut me out first. Much like is being described in some of the recent asks. Is there any way I can make them feel safe so I can prevent that? I don't want to lose them. I would never leave them. The last thing I want is them leaving me, thinking I'd do it first...
Answer: I think it’s just important to remember to validate them and make sure you do little things to remind them that you care. If you need space at any point, make sure they know you need the space for your own emotional care and not because you dislike them or are angry with them. Also, really important to remember, instead of just saying, “I’m here for you” or something similar, maybe bring up concrete examples of times you had with your friend that you enjoyed. Saying, “You make me happy” is a very hard reality to grasp for people with BPD sometimes. My friends can tell me they enjoy being around me, but those words are empty without concrete examples I can see as proof of that. It also helps to bring up any future plans you may have with your friends. If you guys have plans to have a get-together soon, mention you’re looking forward to it. When you’re spending time together, throw in a quick, “I’m happy to be spending time with you.” It seems very small, but it will mean a lot! And if your friends do ever question you or feel abandoned by you, try to figure out what triggered those feelings. Remember it’s not their fault. Remember it may not be yours either! But it’s still important to figure out what made them feel that way, and then see what you can do to comfort them. Don’t tell them they’re being ridiculous. Don’t tell them, “Of course I’m not leaving you.” It comes off as condescending. Instead, investigate. And validate the feeling! A simple, “I understand why you’d feel that way.” Make sure they know they can talk to you about doubts they have. One of the hardest things for someone with BPD is being shut down about stuff like this and being treated like we’re just being melodramatic, because it honestly keeps us from opening up later? Which is part of the reason we end up shutting everyone out, because when we DO open up we just get shut down? Or such as been my experience. x
-Mea
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:45:37 GMT
My Loved One Keeps Ignoring/Avoiding Me?
Anonymous asked: I'm sure you get asked this all the time but my partner has BPD and recently she's been avoiding me. Like a bout a week now and its understandable. She's filled me in on what happens and all but I recently I got to talk to her about how she was ignoring me and stuff and I thought we were finally on the same page again, but she just went back to ignoring me. So Idk what to do and I'm about to give up but I don't want her to feel like I'm going to abandon her or anything. Help. Its killing me.
Answer: Not sure if you’ve seen it yet, but we have a masterpost for loved ones of people with BPD, and there may be a few posts there you’ll find helpful! But in the meantime, I can totally answer this.
1) First of all, you need to validate yourself and your feelings. You are allowed to be upset about being ignored, and you are not expecting to put someone else’s well-being before your own.
2) Respect her need for space. If she needs space, you can’t force your way into her life. (I realize I’m probably preaching to the choir here, but for other people reading who may have your same problem, it’s a good reminder!)
I have no idea what your talk with her concerned, but it’s important to talk about your feelings while also validating hers. “I understand you need time, but being ignored by you is hurtful. We need to compromise on something and communicate, so nobody is put in a harmful situation.” I mean, you don’t want to force her to do something she’s not comfortable doing. If she needs to just vanish for a while, you guys can find a way for her to let you know what’s going on without making you feel ignored. She may not even see herself as ignoring you, just withdrawing. Communication is the key to any relationship, and getting your feelings out in the open while also respecting the feelings of the other person is so important. You have to find a middle ground and find some way of making both parties comfortable.
I really don’t like giving personal advice, so that’s as in depth as I’m going to go with this. I don’t know either of you, so I can’t say what the best compromise will be. All I can do is tell you to communicate your feelings without invalidating hers.
-Mea
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:46:40 GMT
What Are Some Misconceptions About BPD?[Source]Often people with BPD are misunderstood as attention seeking and manipulative. This is not the case at all. Every emotion someone with BPD displays is very real. If they cry, they are hurting and not looking for pity. If they need constant reassurance then it’s because they are genuinely afraid. Many non-sufferers think someone with BPD can simply control their emotions. But in reality it is not that easy, it takes much therapy and support from health professionals as well as friends and family. Some people think sufferers need tough love. Actually this is very damaging for someone with BPD as it can be perceived as rejection. People can think it's better not to get close to someone with BPD. This is not the case, people with BPD are human, they have the same needs as everyone else. It can just be more challenging with them but it is certainly worth it because you could end up with a very loving person in your life. Friends and relatives can sometimes think their loved one is self centred. This is not true, if anything at times it can be the other way around. They are just afraid and express that. They still care about you and don't always realise it they are causing you stress, as at the time of their emotional upset they can't see anything else.
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:48:05 GMT
What Kind of Stigma Do They Face, And What is the Truth?
As many of you well know, people with BPD face an incredible amount of stigma in media, in society, and even amongst the field of psychiatry. Some mental health professionals believe people with BPD to be “problem patients” because of their intensity. Most people with BPD have at least one horror story to share about something said to them by a psychiatrist or other psych professional. (For example, I remember being told by a therapist after I was diagnosed in the hospital, “They told you that you have BPD? You’re too nice to have BPD. People with BPD are hateful, and you just seem like a nice girl.”)
So let’s get the facts straight and debunk some myths, shall we?
1) “People with BPD are attention-seeking and manipulative.” First thing’s first, wanting attention is a pretty human reaction. Seeking attention is also something everyone does as some point, even those who are not mentally ill. (You just tend to pathologize it when mentally ill people do it.) Second, everyone manipulates and is capable of doing it. Having a disorder of any kind does not default someone into a manipulative type of person. The truth is, people with BPD are not trying to manipulate you when they come to you about their feelings. Their expression is not some clever ploy. If they cry, they truly are hurting and not looking for pity. If they say they need constant reassurance, it’s because they are genuinely afraid.
2) “People with BPD could control their emotions if they tried.” Yeah, and when I had the flu a couple of months ago, I simply willed it away. [/sarcasm] The truth is, BPD is a serious medical condition which affects the brain. You know that part of your brain that helps you regulate your emotions? (It’s located in the front of your brain.) Well, for people with BPD, that part of the brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Marsha Linehan compares people with BPD to third-degree burn victims, saying that every touch is something they feel immensely. I don’t personally like comparing mental health conditions to physical ones, but nonetheless.
3) “People with BPD are self-centered.” More often than not, the opposite is true. A lot of the pain and anxiety someone with BPD feels stems from insecurities they have about how they affect the people around them. People with BPD tend to assume they are burdens and constantly worry they are making people unhappy, which upsets them and can trigger an episode. If anything, people with BPD care too much.
4) “People with BPD are abusive.” According to studies by Lundy Bancroft, people with severe mental illnesses are less likely to be abusers than people who are not mentally ill. Abuse is often planned and calculated, which is easier to do when one has a healthy mind. Many studies show that mentally ill people are far more likely to BE abused than they are to be abusers themselves. The stigma that people with certain disorders are abusive actually leads to their being abused more often. Because of mental illness, they are already more vulnerable to manipulation and gaslighting from any potential abuser, and an abuser will use stigma against them to make them comply to demands. Someone with a stigmatized mental illness is far less likely to leave an abusive situation because people are less willing to help them as well.
5) “People with BPD are violent.” People with BPD are angry, certainly, but they are far more likely to be a danger to themselves than to anyone else. A loved one with borderline is more likely to lash out against themselves. Any damage they cause is probably going to be self-inflicted. This isn’t to say there aren’t borderline abusers. Abusers are everywhere! But someone with BPD is probably only a danger to themselves. They may self-harm, engage in dangerous activities, abuse substances, or even commit suicide.
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:49:05 GMT
More Information About Borderline Stigma?
There are all kinds of stigma and abuse people with BPD face in the psych community. We discussed a few days ago some of the misconceptions about BPD, but unless you have BPD, you may not be aware of the full consequences of those misconceptions and how ableism affects every aspect of the borderline life.
A quick google search will compare people with BPD to children, infantilizing them and insisting they cannot take care of themselves, which leads to emotional abuse against them as loved ones follow this advice, remove their agency, and make decisions for them. Advice on How to Care For Your Borderline (much of it worded like your typical How to Take Care of Your Hamsters articles) can be compared to typical signs of emotional abuse. An emotionally abusive partner insists you cannot make your own decisions, and yet books and websites will tell you someone with BPD cannot make their own decisions. An emotionally abusive partner will insist you are crazy and that you are making up your problems, and yet books and websites will tell you someone with BPD makes up their own problems.
Even well-known sites like the Huffington Post have articles such as “9 Tips on How to Recognize Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder,” and while they actually recognize the diagnostic criteria, it still encourages armchair diagnosing from loved ones and removes agency from the person who is possibly mentally ill. It reads like a Nine Tips on How to Spot a Rare Animal and encourages non-professional neurotypical people to unofficially diagnose people in their lives while not giving them the facts of the disorder. (And I am sure these same people turn around and encourage against self-diagnosis. Because clearly non-professional neurotypical people know more about mental health than people who are actually mentally ill. /sarcasm)
There is especially a great amount of misogyny in the mental health field. Misogyny against borderline women is especially awful. You may have read in articles, asking if your borderline girlfriend is a Waif, a Queen, a Hermit, or a Witch. Shoving borderline women into categories based on misogynist ideas about women, all while sexualizing them and telling you that borderline women are attractive because of how broken they are. They tell you they’re alluring and spontaneous and mysterious, but will turn around and ruin your life. There are forums dedicated to people who have dated people with BPD, and if you have BPD, I recommend you don’t read what’s there. It’s upsetting and sickening.
If you do not have BPD, it is important to remember the stigma which exists and to be critical of any information you see. If you have a borderline loved one, ask for their opinion on any articles you find. Keep in mind the stigma also exists against many mental illnesses, especially other personality disorders, and a lot of what you read is based on misconceptions and a long, long history of ableism.
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Post by Mea on Dec 16, 2015 3:51:57 GMT
What is it Like to Have Borderline Personality Disorder?[Source]Many things someone with BPD feels are not abnormal they are just far more extreme. Self Loathing and RejectionYou know those days when you look in the mirror and think, “God I’m ugly?” Everyone has it at some point but a BPD sufferer has it most of the time. If you get the impression someone dislikes you, it gets worse. You think to yourself, “I can see why they don’t like me; I’m ugly and an awful person.” The trouble is, someone with BPD thinks that a lot of people dislike them. In fact they scan everyone for a sign of rejection. A simple phone call can cause emotional situations: These are two friends Linda and Katie. Katie has BPD and Linda rings her up: Linda: "Hi Katie how are you?" Katie: "I'm good thanks, how are you?" Linda: "I'm fine. I will come and visit you next week!" Katie: "Great! It will be nice to see you." (Katie is now feeling extremely happy and excited) Linda: "Ok I'll ring you in a couple of days, bye." Two days later Linda rings Katie again. Linda: "Hi Katie it's Linda." Katie: "Hi Linda, nice to hear from you again!" Linda: "Did you see that article in the newspaper?" Katie: "Yes I did, funny wasn't it?" Linda: "Yes" Linda: "I better go now. Remember next week I might come and visit you, bye." Katie: "Ok bye" (Katie now starts to feel upset) Did you notice the difference in the conversations? Of course the second time they speak about an interest in a newspaper article, but did you notice what upset Katie? Katie was upset because the second time Linda mentioned visiting she said "I MIGHT come and visit you." The new added word "might," is perceived by Katie as rejection. She thinks that Linda doesn't really want to see her. Katie will now think that Linda will not come, she will think about all the possibilities that will make her not visit. Her reaction will be to either ring Linda later and ask her if she really is coming, or she'll sit and worry about it until she believes for sure Linda won't visit. This is just an example there are many other situations and conversations that can cause similar results. Everything is scanned for rejection, even down to tiny words used. When someone with BPD is rejected or feels as if they are, they will think "that is my fault, I am an awful person." It can even get to a point, that at times, the sufferer hates the sound of their own voice and can't stand looking at them self in the mirror. AbandonmentHas someone you love died? Has a relationship broken down? Most people can say they have experienced either or both of these. So imagine the build-up to either of these events. The fear and the pain you feel. Now imagine you felt that pain about the majority of people in your life, people who are not dying or leaving you. Well for someone with BPD that is what it’s like. They sit and worry about all the possibilities of what may make a person leave them, in the end they become convinced it will happen and dread it. What they could fear may be an inevitable event (such as death) that may not happen for an extremely long time, or, what they fear might not be something that is going to happen at all. The constant worry of losing someone can become a vicious cycle for a sufferer, as they may fear that their own behaviour will push a person away, which of course leads to self-loathing. If someone does leave the life of someone with BPD it will take the sufferer months to recover from the loss and can trigger severe depression. Loneliness and Lack of Self Worth Many people with BPD are isolated from conventional family or friendship situations. As many people around them do not know how to cope with the sufferers behaviour, they tend to withdraw from their friend or relative. This leads the person with BPD to feel lonely and worthless. They already have a very low self-esteem and this makes it worse. People with BPD are like anyone else, they want to feel loved, but in their case it is more extreme. Left alone for too long and they believe nobody wants them. This is mainly caused by rejection at a young age, it is learnt behaviour. The self-loathing and fear of abandonment also causes loneliness. Identity CrisisRemember when you left school? Many of you didn't quite know who you were or what you wanted to be. Well people with BPD suffer from this often. Some sufferers also have issues with their sexuality which can be very distressing, cause more feelings of isolation and loneliness. Often someone with BPD rely on other people to feel they know them self, but then become frustrated because they become misunderstood by others. Commonly someone with BPD will change their character to try and make someone else like them. Depression, Self Harm and SuicideEveryone goes through periods where they feel down or depressed. But for a BPD sufferer it is like that very much of the time. Also severe depression will flood them from time to time. How often do you wish you were not alive any more? Maybe once in your life but most likely it hasn’t ever crossed your mind. A majority of people with BPD think about it very regularly. In fact for a BPD sufferer it becomes normal and it can be quite a surprise to them when someone tells them they never think of it. Have you ever been in so much emotional pain that you’d do anything to relieve it? Trying to counter act the emotional pain with physical pain is logical if you think about. It’s like tooth ache, you’d do anything to relieve it. So one of the reasons a sufferer self-harms if to get some relief. Another cause for self-harm in a BPD sufferer is self-loathing, they feel so bad about themselves that they feel they need to be punished. Self-harm is not always a sign of a suicide attempt, it’s just a reflection of how the person is feeling on the inside. Threats of suicide are common among people with BPD, and it’s also not uncommon for them to make an attempt at ending their life. Life with Borderline Personality Disorder is ten times harder than for a non-sufferer. Imagine how the constant fear and pain must be. Suicide threats are like a safety net, “If I really can’t stand my pain any more, then I can escape,” makes sense doesn’t? If you walked through a bed of stinging nettles you would think of trying to get yourself out wouldn’t you? Black and White ThinkingHave you ever suffered from black and white thinking? Most do to a certain degree, for example some people often don’t like cats because they find them selfish, too independent and moody. But in reality every cat is unique just like humans. That is a common case of black and white thinking. So now imagine you thought like that over a lot of things, like someone with BPD does. If someone with blond hair is unpleasant, then everyone with blond hair is the same. In cases it can lead to transference of feelings towards unrelated people, animals or objects. Transference is not something only someone with BPD suffers from but everyone. But like everything else, for a person with BPD it’s a lot worse. Transference is very dangerous and most often leads to unwanted situations. Split Thinking Have you ever had a major argument with a loved one? You feel almost like you hate them at that moment. This is how someone with BPD can feel towards you over a minor argument or a disappointment. If they love you then it is very likely they will feel like they hate you, when you have let them down. This feeling of hate is empty and will not last long. It's rarely in the middle, someone with BPD is more likely to say "I hate you" then "I am very disappointed with you." Someone they love has the power to hurt them more then anybody and of course the sufferer knows this, so they feel extremely angry when hurt by that person. You could almost interoperate the "I hate you" in to "I love you, but you have hurt me so badly right now." But remember BPD does NOT make a person love you, that comes from the heart. AngerHave you ever been in a real rage? Things have got on top of you so much, that you have just exploded. Well this is how someone with BPD feels when angry. They will scream, shout, and physically display their anger. It is not easy to hold back the anger as their whole body can feel the rage, they have the desire that is so strong to display how they feel. Trouble is these angry spells lead to depression, self-loathing, fear of abandonment and self harm. Drug and Alcohol UseAfter a stressing day at work it’s nice to have an alcoholic drink sometimes. Some people might try recreational drugs a few times, after which they stop. For someone with BPD these are unsafe ways of masking the pain and stress they feel. They may find alcohol or drugs relieve their negative feelings. Of course this leads to dependency. Drug or alcohol dependency is an extremely common symptom of BPD. If you feel down you do what it takes to make yourself feel better, the trouble is with BPD you feel down most of the time. PsychosisHave you ever felt out of control? Maybe you have felt like you are in a tunnel, no fear or thought of safety for yourself or other. Detachment from reality, at times, can be how be how someone with BPD feels. Often they suffer from intrusive thoughts or hear voices. The only way to describe how it feels to have intrusive thoughts or hear voices is, imagine someone is with you 24 hours a day, imagine this person is saying things like "hurt yourself," or "the devil is following you, he will take people away from you." Often the thoughts or voices will play on the sufferers insecurities. Some people have other hallucinations or believe they have super powers. Commonly people with BPD only have mild psychosis but occasionally some sufferers have more severe psychosis. Mostly they only have psychotic episodes induced by stress. Think about it, if you go to a party and everyone around you is drunk, and you do not like it, you would remove yourself from the situation, right? In the BPD sufferers situation, the brain is removing it's self from the problem which is the persons thinking and thoughts. Withdrawal from Others Many people with BPD have times when they withdraw from the world. They stop working and socialising. If you were hurt by something you would try and avoid letting it happen again, wouldn't you? So this can be why someone with BPD may become distant and unresponsive to friends and family. In most cases this withdrawal doesn't last for more then a few days, weeks or months, but in some sufferers it can last much longer. When withdrawn the sufferer will feel depressed and isolated.
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