TW: sex, sexual assault/rape briefly referenced, trauma and reactions aka panic attacks
I never know which disorder to pin anything on as I have so many lol but recently I've been worrying. Essentially, my whole life I have been absolutely terrified of men (all despite my father) and react to them as though I've been abused. I have panic attacks if I'm alone with men, once one kissed me without warning and I broke down crying. But I've never been abused! Does anyone else experience this with any kind of phobia? Is it possible I've repressed abuse, or am I just weird? It's been particularly bad recently after I was *almost* abused at a party (woke up to a guy undressing me) and I almost can't been in the same room as men who aren't my father (except for work for some reason, I think I feel in control there).
You're definitely not weird! But I don't know what to tell you - repressing abuse is definitely possible, as is dissociating during it, but it's usually not every single detail that's gone if that makes sense? It can happen, but it's rare. It's more common if you have DID or DDNOS/OSDD-1 and then you might not hold trauma memories.
With that in mind, what's likely and has been known to happen multiple times is that you may have had a negative experience with a man, maybe not "abuse" but definitely something that made you feel scared and stressed. You may have repressed that single encounter or have just forgotten it, but the feeling can remain.
But I don't want to tell you what you are and aren't experiencing, that'd definitely be bad. My advice is to talk to a professional if you can, preferably one that specialises in trauma or dissociation.
The thing about trauma disorders is that you don't actually have to be the one who experienced the trauma to have the disorder. Even if you know someone close to you who had something traumatic happen to them, that can still rewire your brain in ways which can cause trauma reactions and even develop into PTSD.
It's possible you're suppressing a bad memory, or--gasp shock horror--it's possible that existing while being a girl (correct me if this isn't the correct term to use for you, as I remember defining yourself as a non-binary girl in your intro) is a traumatic experience in and of itself! As a girl, you are conditioned in certain ways, and I think a lot of us absorb that mindset of one who has experienced trauma because we are conditioned to be defensive and afraid.
The qualification for a diagnosis of PTSD is basically that you've somehow been close to a trauma, whether it happened to you or not.
I'm in a similar boat myself, and like Charlie it's probably a good idea to explore this with a therapist/equivalent if you can. Mine has really helped me at least understand myself a bit better, even if I don't know why I'm like this. Mea also has a point, sometimes we can be surrounded by enough bad (if seemingly 'small') experiences that we pick up on these things and what they mean about people. But yeah, this isn't so much advice as it is this is a horrible feeling and I don't understand it either
Post by Kit Fancyphobic on Jan 12, 2016 17:51:48 GMT
#sex mention #sexual assault
I was in a similar boat for a while with a lot of really shitty feelings when it came to sex (at certain points even thinking about it could cause panic attacks) and recently memories of a sexual assault I'd not necessarily forgotten, but I'd not 'cared' about or 'counted' has been bubbling up again. So what could be causing the feelings might not even be something you'd count as 'worthy' to cause the feelings, even though it totally was.
Also cheers to Mea for the note about other people's trauma affecting you...that makes so much sense now. Wowza.
Thanks for all the replies guys. Recently I've been thinking it could be because of a relationship I had when I was younger TW PEDOPHILIA, TW ASSAULT
It was mainly my fault because I fell in love with this older guy (32) so I lied and said I was 19 (I was 15) and he was really nice but despite how much I thought I liked him the whole thing was weirdly traumatic. I hate that I can't even blame anyone for my own trauma because I brought it on myself, ugh.
But I've felt like this a while before that too, I agree with Mea that being afab/woman-aligned is a pretty inherently traumatic experience and all of my best girl friends have been assaulted AND I'm highly empathetic (hey bpd!!! i feel emotions that aren't mine!) so i'm sure some awful combination of all of these things is to blame....
I guess I already knew the answer if I'm being honest I sort of wanted to get this all off my chest lmao
You are not at all to blame for your trauma. <3 There are all kinds of societal pressures which can make a girl to lie about their age. Also, to be honest, 19 is still too young for a 32-year-old?? Holy crap?? He should have known better. Like yeah, it's ~legal~ but someone in their 30s has no business messing around with a teenager. He was far more emotionally developed than a 19-year-old would be, and honestly it's still an abusive dynamic. Even at 24, I couldn't see myself dating a 19-year-old because there is a development gap between 19 and 24, and there would be a dynamic which put me in a position of power. Even if that 32-year-old thought what he was doing was legal, he was still a predator imho. /2 cents
But regardless of all that, you're still allowed to be traumatized and upset. And even if you feel you have no one to blame, that's also okay. Even when Bad Guys are made a little more clear, we can sometimes lose sight of who to blame. And even when we do have someone to blame, it doesn't always help.
When I was 14, I was briefly seeing a 22-year-old man. Back then, I blamed myself because I did make myself available to him because of how dependent I was on him, but he's still the one who took advantage of that. I know from personal experience that when you're 14/15, there's this unspoken pressure to seem older. Growing up as a girl, I was pressured to grow up quickly. There was an obligation to act older than 14, and making myself available to an older man only validated that desire to be seen as mature. That does not make it my fault. He still recognized that power dynamic and took advantage of it, and I can still blame society for how it treated me and how it pressured me seem older.