Post by MarzipanAttack on Jan 14, 2016 6:29:30 GMT
Idk what might trigger people or how to tag properly but I'll mention sex at least once and also dying so TW #sex mention #death mention ??
I guess I just want to tell someone about what I've got going on up in my head, because I don't feel like I can't talk about it with anyone I know IRL. For ease of writing I shall refer to the person whom this is about by an alias, Dana.
I met Dana about 7 years ago when I was 17 and she 16. We became fast friends and chatted frequently during school and after as well. She was in a relationship with someone whom she didn't really trust or care too much for because she couldn't handle the feeling of being alone. Summer rolls by and shortly before school starts back up she confesses to me that she really likes me and wants to leave her boyfriend to be with me. I can barely believe it as I have been infatuated with her since the moment I looked into her eyes for the first time. She explains that leaving him will be tough for her, going against her normal pattern, and that it may take a little while. I wait patiently and tell her to take her time and only do what she wants to and is comfortable with. After a month or so she breaks it off with him and immediately accepts the label of my girlfriend, which he was not surprised by at all. She apparently talked a lot about me even with him around. We connect instantly and deeply, then proceed to have the most intense and beautiful relationship I've ever had, she rid me of my fear of intimacy and I lost my virginity to her, things were golden, for a time. At around the 6 month mark I began to get confused about a lot of things, nothing felt right, I didn't feel like me, I thought I had feelings for someone else, she got into some life issues that meant we wouldn't see each other as often, that lead me to suddenly believe she would leave me, 100% certain of it. I made several mistakes in rapid succession, I spent the night at my friend Brian's house at the same time as my other friend Brenda (also an alias) whom Dana hated greatly, I suggested me and Dana take a break since we wouldn't see each other (my attempt at leaving her first so she couldn't leave me), and lastly not asking enough questions during an emotional encounter between Dana and I. After I stayed the night at Brian's a rumor got around, without me knowing, that I had had sex with Brenda and this rumor made it all the way to Dana. When I saw Dana later that day she was extremely upset and in tears and saying she knows what I did and asking me why I did it. I, wrongfully, assumed that she was just upset that I slept in the same room as her most hated person. I said things like "Why does it matter? I chose you," which were obviously not the right things to say. We ended on very rough terms. Fast forward a year or so and I ask a friend who was still in contact with Dana if he could ask her if we could talk. The talk is very brutal as she is nothing but hostile to me and yet I crave her attention and kind of like the abuse. There is still an obvious connection between us and I can tell she knows and is just using me for her own satisfaction but I gladly submit myself to her. Fast forward another year or so and we have been talking on and off the whole time, the hostility slowly lessening over time with the occasional spike when I say the wrong thing. Then a sudden spark of hope, she is going to a college just an hour train ride away and she wants me to come visit. I do just that and it is a tiny bit awkward but overall good, until the end of the visit when things sour and we revert to our hostile and submissive pattern before becoming somber and realizing our end had truly come. Fast forward several years of sporadic talking and occasional flirty/sexy texts and a gradually improving relationship that becomes one of totally honesty with each other, initially due to lack of concern for ones feelings but blossoming into a really honest, "healthy friendship. We are there for each other in each of our hard times and support each other in our endeavors. I have, unknown to Dana, spent the previous years since our split trying my best to improve myself specifically for her, going against everything in my brain to follow my heart. Fast forward a tiny bit more to my discovery of BPD. Suddenly my brain explodes as everything that I did/felt way back then starts to make sense. Trigger secondary explosion as I realize that I have been fighting against my disorder for years, without realizing it, just for her. Fast forward a few more months, I've learned a lot about my disorder and subsequently myself. Dana and I have one of our bad moments and fight badly, my normal response to which is to turn off my phone and ignore her for days as the silence deals damage I can't hope to repair afterwards, our fights tend to end in months of no contact, sometimes close to a year. However, I know that my response is driven by my disorder and that she needs me to be present for her during the worst, so for the first time ever I actively and I knowingly fight against my disorder for her. I feel like I'm literally going to die if I don't stop, I can't breathe right, my heart pounds my ribs, the shadows in my peripherals dancing menacingly, and worst of all it takes almost everything I have not to dissociate. Somehow I make it through and get to the core of the problem and solve it. Then comes an idea, a request, and a discovery. The idea: maybe Dana has a disorder too. The request: that she fill out a couple checklists. The discovery: Dana too has BPD. Trigger the third and final brain explosion as all the pieces finally fall into place and I can see the whole picture. We connected so instantly and intensely, the types of fights, the logic she used, the understanding only we seemed to share; it all made sense. The situation currently stands like this: we are very good friends and friendly, we both know the other is still physically attracted to us, she knows my feelings for her*, and I her's for me^, we are separated by distance, we desire to see each other in person again.
*I am 100% in love with her, I desire to be with no one else and will not be with anyone else even if we never even see each other again. I have confidence and logical proof that my feelings for her may be amplified by my disorder but not controlled by it.
^She still loves me, more than she wants to admit.
I feel that I am not/will not ever be worthy of her. Everything about myself is worthless. As much as I love her I accept that she would never want to be in a relationship with me once she has seen me and all I have to offer
I welcome any questions or comments, especially those from people who can relate to parts of my story and stuff.
I guess I just want to tell someone about what I've got going on up in my head, because I don't feel like I can't talk about it with anyone I know IRL. For ease of writing I shall refer to the person whom this is about by an alias, Dana.
I met Dana about 7 years ago when I was 17 and she 16. We became fast friends and chatted frequently during school and after as well. She was in a relationship with someone whom she didn't really trust or care too much for because she couldn't handle the feeling of being alone. Summer rolls by and shortly before school starts back up she confesses to me that she really likes me and wants to leave her boyfriend to be with me. I can barely believe it as I have been infatuated with her since the moment I looked into her eyes for the first time. She explains that leaving him will be tough for her, going against her normal pattern, and that it may take a little while. I wait patiently and tell her to take her time and only do what she wants to and is comfortable with. After a month or so she breaks it off with him and immediately accepts the label of my girlfriend, which he was not surprised by at all. She apparently talked a lot about me even with him around. We connect instantly and deeply, then proceed to have the most intense and beautiful relationship I've ever had, she rid me of my fear of intimacy and I lost my virginity to her, things were golden, for a time. At around the 6 month mark I began to get confused about a lot of things, nothing felt right, I didn't feel like me, I thought I had feelings for someone else, she got into some life issues that meant we wouldn't see each other as often, that lead me to suddenly believe she would leave me, 100% certain of it. I made several mistakes in rapid succession, I spent the night at my friend Brian's house at the same time as my other friend Brenda (also an alias) whom Dana hated greatly, I suggested me and Dana take a break since we wouldn't see each other (my attempt at leaving her first so she couldn't leave me), and lastly not asking enough questions during an emotional encounter between Dana and I. After I stayed the night at Brian's a rumor got around, without me knowing, that I had had sex with Brenda and this rumor made it all the way to Dana. When I saw Dana later that day she was extremely upset and in tears and saying she knows what I did and asking me why I did it. I, wrongfully, assumed that she was just upset that I slept in the same room as her most hated person. I said things like "Why does it matter? I chose you," which were obviously not the right things to say. We ended on very rough terms. Fast forward a year or so and I ask a friend who was still in contact with Dana if he could ask her if we could talk. The talk is very brutal as she is nothing but hostile to me and yet I crave her attention and kind of like the abuse. There is still an obvious connection between us and I can tell she knows and is just using me for her own satisfaction but I gladly submit myself to her. Fast forward another year or so and we have been talking on and off the whole time, the hostility slowly lessening over time with the occasional spike when I say the wrong thing. Then a sudden spark of hope, she is going to a college just an hour train ride away and she wants me to come visit. I do just that and it is a tiny bit awkward but overall good, until the end of the visit when things sour and we revert to our hostile and submissive pattern before becoming somber and realizing our end had truly come. Fast forward several years of sporadic talking and occasional flirty/sexy texts and a gradually improving relationship that becomes one of totally honesty with each other, initially due to lack of concern for ones feelings but blossoming into a really honest, "healthy friendship. We are there for each other in each of our hard times and support each other in our endeavors. I have, unknown to Dana, spent the previous years since our split trying my best to improve myself specifically for her, going against everything in my brain to follow my heart. Fast forward a tiny bit more to my discovery of BPD. Suddenly my brain explodes as everything that I did/felt way back then starts to make sense. Trigger secondary explosion as I realize that I have been fighting against my disorder for years, without realizing it, just for her. Fast forward a few more months, I've learned a lot about my disorder and subsequently myself. Dana and I have one of our bad moments and fight badly, my normal response to which is to turn off my phone and ignore her for days as the silence deals damage I can't hope to repair afterwards, our fights tend to end in months of no contact, sometimes close to a year. However, I know that my response is driven by my disorder and that she needs me to be present for her during the worst, so for the first time ever I actively and I knowingly fight against my disorder for her. I feel like I'm literally going to die if I don't stop, I can't breathe right, my heart pounds my ribs, the shadows in my peripherals dancing menacingly, and worst of all it takes almost everything I have not to dissociate. Somehow I make it through and get to the core of the problem and solve it. Then comes an idea, a request, and a discovery. The idea: maybe Dana has a disorder too. The request: that she fill out a couple checklists. The discovery: Dana too has BPD. Trigger the third and final brain explosion as all the pieces finally fall into place and I can see the whole picture. We connected so instantly and intensely, the types of fights, the logic she used, the understanding only we seemed to share; it all made sense. The situation currently stands like this: we are very good friends and friendly, we both know the other is still physically attracted to us, she knows my feelings for her*, and I her's for me^, we are separated by distance, we desire to see each other in person again.
*I am 100% in love with her, I desire to be with no one else and will not be with anyone else even if we never even see each other again. I have confidence and logical proof that my feelings for her may be amplified by my disorder but not controlled by it.
^She still loves me, more than she wants to admit.
I feel that I am not/will not ever be worthy of her. Everything about myself is worthless. As much as I love her I accept that she would never want to be in a relationship with me once she has seen me and all I have to offer
I welcome any questions or comments, especially those from people who can relate to parts of my story and stuff.